The Wanderlust

Been awhile

2011-01-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

Well I tried to make a new blog but I'm too lazy and too impatient to design and maintain a new one, so I'm back, and gonna remodel. Well, by the time you see this it will have undergone remodeling. Exciting.
Well so much has seriously changed since last time I wrote here. I have a new boyfriend. Well, I've been very close to him since April but just this fall we made it "official" I guess. Our relationship just kinda began without either of us really being able to define the point when it started. So I'm happy with that, I waited on this dude for a while and finally am happy to say it worked out for the both of us. I just convinced him to make a blog so now I'm fixing my own blog, forgetting all about it for a few months as people with even marginally busy lives tend to do.
Well anyway, I've just noticed I start pretty much every paragraph with "Well.." but I'm not about to go back and change it. Sorry if that bothers you. So, I ended last semester with flying colors. Yeah, flying colors. This was the first year of college I've had that I made a grade lower than a B. And I made a C+ and a D. Can't believe that shit. This semester, I'm hoping things are better. I will be taking classes in-class again, instead of online, so that may make a difference. No more online classes for me thanks, unless I absolutely have to take one. I can't keep up with them.
I also got a new job at Ruby Tuesdays. It kinda sucks, but the people are nice and I've made friends with some of them already. I hope I won't have to stay there for long. I'm thinking 6 months at the least. Then hopefully I will have found something that pays significantly better. But we know how that goes..rabble rabble blah blah blah.
So winter has kinda got me down, but I'm trying to fight it. I mean it's only January and we got at least three more months of cold, but usually by mid-February I have spiraled into madness already...so looking forward to that and I am sure my boyfriend and other people who are constantly around me are gonna be so so happy to be in my presence. Don't worry though, it goes away by the time my birthday rolls around (March 29). That's when the world begins to feel warm and lovely again. And when the sun stays up longer and longer, my mood lightens. I have no clue how people live in Alaska or Iceland or Norway. Fuck that.
I don't think I've written since the end of the summer. The summer was PRETTY lame...didn't do anything with music or creativity WHATSOEVER. I mean, summer is a time to relax and go to the beach and tan, I did plenty of that, but I could have used my time more wisely. I was glad that I came back from Wilmington. Shit was lame and I left some pretty important untied ends back in Greensboro that I couldn't abandon. Life leads you on a pretty insane ride sometimes. Well since I've been back it's been nice and pretty stress free living with N dawg, and his dog, who has become my dog, but I think it's only cause I crave furry in my life, and when I'm around a furry I adopt it as my own furry. And we've established that I'm her "step-mom" which is weird, but pretty hilarious. My friend moved back to Maryland so life has been pretty gray without her to hang with and talk to. A lot of people I used to hang with on the reg have skipped town. Now I'm meeting a whole new group of people, the Rubys people. I like them all, but it takes a little bit to get to know people. Not that I'm cautious, it's just I have a need to surround myself with exceptional, and slightly strange, people.
Well hopefully I won't forget to keep up with this again. I'm not even sure why I keep a blog...but maybe it's for my own piece of mind. I feel like no one listens half the time to me, so I should probably just listen to myself.

Ho-Hum

2010-09-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

So I've spent the last half hour reading a few peoples' blogs, including Jeremy's and Emily's blogs about China, and I'm getting a real itch to go off and discover somewhere completely new and crazy. I guess most people call this the travel bug. Ever since I went to the Philippines I've been sort of having a post-adventure depression that reoccurs every so often. Right now I'm going through a baaaaaad case of it, particularly since I haven't been anywhere out of town for several months. I feel kind of lame. I actually got a new job and it's been particularly stressful because I've had to memorize so much (it's a serving job, so I have to know the menu). And I dropped one of my classes so that's bummed me out a little. It's just going to push me back, and it'll take longer to get finished and get to my ultimate goal of joining the Peace Corps and getting the hell out of here for a while.
I think I need to take a vacation at some point. But I don't really have money. Also I really want to try to buy a temper pedic bed because I barely sleep well at night so that'll definitely cost me a good chunk of change. I haven't been in contact with the fam really, which bothers me but I just never get around to it. I only ever really talk to my mom. I miss my husky that I gave away a few months ago. I feel like I'm in limbo with the love life. I've hurt a lot of people along the way. I just feel crowded. I feel like I need to escape and go off somewhere on a hiatus, incognito, for a few years. I know that wouldn't solve any problems here at home, but at least removing myself from the picture will patch things over for a bit. But damn it, I have to finish school first!! ughhh.
So this post is pretty down in the dumps sounding. I'm sorry. Maybe it's my time of the month soon or something. I usually get a little depressed around this time. Maybe I just need to jump in the car and go shopping. I dunno. Hopefully will have happier news soon!

I'm free...free fallin...

2010-08-11T11:43:00.000-07:00

I am glad to say I freed myself today from all regrets and bad memories. I am now going to live my life a happier person because I deserve it. I need to learn that I may not know what is in store for my life down the road but I am going to trust in myself and power higher than me to lead me in the right direction. I'm not going to worry anymore because it helps no one to have a troubled mind. I wrote everything down that had been bothering me, stuff that's been with me pretty much my whole life, and more recent bullshit that's been tugging at my very soul. Then I tore it up and threw it far away. Now, I don't acknowledge these bad aspects of my life. That part of my life is over, and the new part is about to begin. This new life is the life in which I get a job I love, I finish school with flying colors, I enter the peace corps or go teach overseas or do something incredibly awesome with the young years I have left. This may be the life in which I meet and fall in love with someone incredibly special, or maybe not yet, maybe that's years ahead in the future, but I cannot dwell on that aspect. I just have to stay positive and know that everything is going to work out. Everything happens for a reason and I just got to keep my head up and a smile on and warm open arms for people around me. I can't be depressed and sad and lethargic all the time, that's not the way to be. And I can't be a whiner either. I have to make stuff happen for me, and if other things make me sad or down and out, I have to banish them and take them with a grain of salt. Because there is nothing in this world, either person or thing, that is worth tormenting myself over and over again with no release. There is no reason to ever let oneself get to this point. I let it and it almost destroyed me. No more.

My Life Thus Far (A Long Expected Update)

2010-08-09T18:15:00.000-07:00

Well I don't write here much cause only like five of you actually read this, but I felt for my own personal piece of mind I'd write down what's been going on and hopefully while doing so, sort out my thoughts a little. Well everyone who knows me knows I have moved back to Greensboro. It's a fucking long story that I don't even feel like going into right now, or ever again, but honestly from the experience I learned a few lessons. #1 Don't move unless you are absolutely sure you'll have a good place of employment secured. #2 Also when you move don't get into any contract that will commit you to the new place for more than 6 months. Let me explain this last one. I of course, like a moron, signed a lease for an apartment for 15 months with a complete stranger. Sadly enough, this person turned out to be extremely weird and my total opposite and (as I found out while in the process of moving out) completely insane. That leads me to #3 Don't move in with ANYONE you've met through Craiglist unless you guys are super alike and/or get along well or have known each other for a few months before actually moving in together. #4 Don't be ashamed to call it quits...it took a lot of guts for me to pull the reins in early and declare that I couldn't stand it. People in my life sort of scrutinized my actions but because it was my decision, I didn't let it get to me.
So yeah, I'm back in Greensboro now, still working at the mall, getting ready for school to start and trying to have some chill time here and there. I'm really motivated now to finish school because I have decided I wanted to try to do the Peace Corps after college, but I'm trying to keep it on the DL for now because I don't want to make a big deal about it and end up not getting to do it. But I'd definitely like to apply. I just need to time it right. Katie told me not to wait to apply when I actually finish school, so I need to apply before my last semester of college, and at this point I don't know when that will be.
In other news, I may be going to Europe next summer...shhhhhh....I might jinx it so we can't talk about it anymore.
Other than that, not a hell of a lot going on, I mean there's shit going on but nothing worth writing about.

All registered up for class!

2010-06-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

Just finished registering for a few online classes at UNCG. I'm excited now because I can just sit back and relax for the rest of the summer, not having to worry about getting school bullshit situated. As far as the work front goes, I'm not concerned about hours. I think since I won't be physically attending school everyday during the semester I can ask to be bumped up to full time barista or at least get more hours a week. Probably about 3/4 of our staff at work will be enrolled in school so their availabilities will not be as open as mine. So for the next couple of months, as long as my mom can help me with rent, I should be good to go, and it won't hurt to visit home a few more times before august. I have to go up to UNCG anyway and buy books for my online classes. I'm very excited to start and I'm glad I get to go back in January to hopefully get on the fast track to graduation - one step closer to pursuing my music recording degree!!
I hung out with Ashley yesterday at the beach, also a Greensboro transplant here. She moved here in January and already is moving back in July. We've talked about all this and she agrees that I gotta do what is best for me. If going home to finish school is what's best then I have to go for it. We also talked about how Wilmington was not at all what we expected it to be. Well, I'm not really sure what I expected it to be, but I expected it to be awesome I'll tell you that! But in reality, it's not much more awesome than Greensboro. I think the only way it could be better is if I lived on the oceanfront, or at least a few blocks from the beach. Living where I live now, I might as well be in Greensboro, it all looks the same.
I guess I'm having a good time here. The people are cool. It just takes time to get settled in and situated. But I'm going to try to just chillax from now on. No sense in worrying about anything!

Changing my mind again, but it's all good!!!

2010-06-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

So I'm here in Wilmington, and I've been here for about a month already. I like it alright, but I don't think I'm going to stay. I guess whoever reads this will be the first to know although I've told a very small handful of people who understand my situation. I won't be attending UNCW in the fall, that's the first thing I should say. First the financial aid they are offering is in the form of loans that I cannot afford, and only two small grants that aren't even enough to cover book costs. I thought for sure they would give me the same amount as UNCG but it's just not the case. However, UNCG offered me over 9,000 in grants this upcoming school year, so I am going to try to take some online classes to remain an active student until I am able to move back in january for the spring semester. Second, it will be easier for me to just go ahead and finish at UNCG, since all my files are there and I already know the school layout, and I won't have to attend orientation. (That's another thing about UNCW that pissed me off, they were going to charge me $75 for orientation, and for what? I've been in college three years, I think I know how it's done!) Thirdly, I really want to start the Recording Engineering degree at GTCC as sooooon as possible so I obviously would have to move back anyway. CFCC and UNCW both do not have any recording engineering or other music programs like that. However, here's the catch: I am staying in Wilmington for the next 7 months at least. Who knows? I might end up loving it here. I might find my niche and want to stay forever!! Or I may go back to uncg and finish and then move back here when I'm done. I don't know the future but I want to give this place a chance to impress me. I haven't been here long enough to say whether or not I like it. I like it as far as the beach and scenery and people are concerned, but I need to get out in the community more to see if anything spectacular is going on...something in which I can participate and make happen. I probably need to get a second job and see what that's like, and go out more and experience more...and just chill. I think it's good that I'm not going to be attending school here right now. I'm feeling it out, and maybe if I do end up staying for good I can look into going to the college. It's like a trial run. I'm scouting out the new territory. I think it's so much better to do it this way then to wait until I'm married with kids and am forced to move somewhere for a job. With no attachments, it's easy to feel a place out and see whether or not it suits me.
In about five to six months I'm going to give myself a review of this place and how I feel about it. I'm drafting up a survey that I will take both now and in five months to see where I'm at. If at five months I still want to go back and finish (and the online classes work out okay) then I'll make preparations to find a roommate replacement for me here and move back in with Jean in early January. I will live with Jean until I can find THE perfect house in Greensboro with the perfect roomie. I want to have a garden and a yard for Lola to run around in. I want to take my take searching. I'm not settling for this apartment bullshit anymore; I've been very unhappy with the apartment people here thus far. But that's another story...
It really is no big deal if I happen to move back. The biggest task would be finding someone here to replace me but I don't think that will be hard to do. There are people coming in and out of Wilmington all the time and maybe my roommate here knows someone who might be able to move in with her by that point. She's knows a good amount of people. Or she might want to terminate the lease with me and find something else. I don't think she's been very happy with this apartment either. She knows a little bit about what's going on but I don't want to tell her I'm moving back until I am absolutely sure I am. I think she probably figures I will eventually though, definitely before the end of our lease.
Maybe Wilmington is where I am meant to be and maybe it isn't. Maybe I'm meant to be somewhere as far away as Seattle or maybe I'm meant to be in Asheville...who the hells knows at this point? I wish I hadn't moved but at the same time I'm glad I did. I am learning more about myself than I've ever known. And everyday unfolds a new lesson. And if anything, I just need some time out of college to think for a hot minute; I'm so burnt out by the past three years of college. I'm supposed to be done this next year, you know!!! But that's definitely not happening this coming spring!! But it's ok, the way the economy is going I'm trying to drag it out as long as I can and also after I am done with college I'm going to travel a bit, maybe hit up San Fran, Seattle, Santa Fe (again), Atlanta, Austin or *maybe* Asheville! :) Then I want to jump right into Recording Engineering. I'm so full of life and excitement right now that I'm having a good time despite my predicament. I know that whatever happens is going to be for the best, things have a way of putting themselves together!
So for right now I'm just going to sit back and chill and just try to have fun here in Wilmington for the remainder of 2010. If I catch myself worrying then I will kick my own ass. There is no sense in worrying over circumstances that cannot be helped. The worse thing I could do is do nothing. And I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and/or wants me to do...because it's MY life! So I'm going do exactly what I want when I want!! Thank God I have this unlimited freedom. The possibilities are endless. Lots of doors are getting ready to open, I can feel it. I'm excited, a little apprehensive but ready to do this! I'm just glad I have plenty of time! I'll write back to give updates. I feel better now than I have in months!

Sometimes you can make it on your own...

2010-03-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

Well I'm still going to Wilmington but this time...I'm going alone. Well..alone as in, no other human companions, but my husky is going with me.
And really, I'm not scared of going alone. I know I'm going to have to work extra hard to make ends meet, but I need to prove to myself that I can make it on my own. I don't want to be relying on someone else all the time.
Jordan needs to live on his own too. We've been together since high school, and this is our first apartment together. But I think we both need some time to go out on our own and explore the world by ourselves, without each other to fall back on. We need our own sets of friends, we need our own goals, we need our own lives separate of each other. This is to prove that we are TRULY adults and can do it absolutely alone if need be. Because we might not end up together in the end.
Honestly, I'm really excited. It will be weird the first few weeks without knowing a SOUL but eventually I will meet people through work, school and daily interactions. I kind of like this because I won't know anyone and they won't know me. It's like I'm starting out fresh.
So anyway, I have two months left until I go. It will be hard to leave my family but I know in the end everything will turn out ok. I may love it, I may hate it. But I'll never know until I try.

So close, but so far away...

2010-02-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

Well, it's February and we're chugging on towards the final date of our move to Wilmington. I'm really excited, but at the same time very apprehensive. I can't tell you how irritating it is to not have "definites" about anything...in this I mean, there is no definite that we will get our current apartment rented out in time, or that we will have a place to move to, or jobs to go to. However, we do have some promising prospects that have come up over the last couple of weeks. The first being that we have two people coming to look at our place on friday. They are going to be graduating from Elon and I'm assuming they have jobs in Greensboro, so they want to move. They can't move until after May 21st, which is good because we probably won't be leaving until June 1st. So, if they like the place and want to take it, we'll have one thing on our list out of the way. Also, Jordan and I are trying to transfer to Starbucks in Wilmington. One of the managers down there is best friends with Jordan's current manager. He called her today, and she seemed excited to hear from him. She said she had someone leaving at around the time we'd be coming down there, so he would have a spot. It's not completely definite (Jordan still has to file a transfer and get approved through their DM) but it's a good start, and at least she has him in mind so she won't take anyone else before him. For me, it hasn't been so lucky. I called the manager of one of the other starbuckes, and she hardly gave me the time to say who I was before she told me I had to file a transfer through their DM, and that "Nothing is done over phone anymore." Well, I could tell she really didn't want to be bothered by me. I know the process of transferring, I just wanted to know if she'd have space for me. There's no point in going through all that trouble filing transfer forms through my DM if there's not going to be any room for me. I'm kind of frustrated about it. But I figured as long as one of us gets transferred (in this case, I'm really hoping Jordan does) then I don't care. I will find another job if need be. Jordan hasn't had as many jobs as me, and he's been with Starbucks for going on three years. I just want him to stick with it. At any rate, there's plenty of places to work down there, especially since we'll be moving at the beginning of summer. I could easily see myself working at a hotel or restaurant and making just as much money, or possibly even more, than I would if I stayed with Starbucks.
Also, Jordan and I have been checking out a few apartment places down there, and there are some good deals. The only problem I'd have is not having a yard for Lola...but we're going to have to deal with what we can get. She's good at being indoors anyway, I guess since she's been raised that way. Still, I feel really sorry for her that she can't get out as much, especially during the winter. I honestly don't ever feel like going outside during the winter unless I have to.
I just honestly can't wait to move. I'm soooo tired of living in Greensboro. This place doesn't interest me anymore. I just want to go somewhere brand new where no one knows me and I don't know them. I think it's gonna be a good experience for me and Jordan, and I really believe it is going to be our home and we are going to raise kids there and live there the rest of our lives. At least, I refuse to live in Greensboro for the rest of my life. Maybe we won't stay in Wilmington forever, but we certainly are going to avoid coming back here to live.
Anyway, I guess I'm just going to lie low for a while and stop worrying about all of this. I'd say the time I should start worrying is around April, when we are getting down towards the wire. Right now, in February, it's too early to start looking for a place to live or worrying about jobs. Right now, I just need to focus on school. All else will fall in place in time. I hope...

It's Always Something...

2010-01-09T07:37:00.000-08:00

Well, folks, I will spare you an introduction in which I whine and complain about how boring and horrible my life is and just say what I came here to say: We're moving to Wilmington! I'm really excited about it. Jordan is really worried about it. But of course, it can't be that simple, right? Apparently, I am considered an out-of-state student for some weird reason, even though I am obviously a North Carolina resident, and at UNCG I am an in-state student. So of course, that bothered me big time and kind of cut into my celebration. So I had to email someone down there, and tell them it's a mistake, and hope to God they don't make a big scene out of it. Because I'M GOING, DAMMIT!
The worse that will happen, probably, is that they will make me re-fill out the residency form. Maybe something got fouled up on the computer, where I originally submitted my information, or maybe it didn't go through at all...very possible. Basically they said I have til the term starts to file for residency. Okay, sounds reasonable enough - obviously there is no other explanation why I would be denied in-state status, especially if another UNC state school claims me as an in-state student. Anyway...
So now we are in the brainstorming and plotting stage of our move. We decided to shoot for the first of June. We're going to have to start searching for a place probably as early as April. But it doesn't mean we can't start sooner than that, especially if we can find a good deal somewhere and just put a deposit down or something. Basically, this is what we need:
*2br & 1 or 2 bth
*Central heating/ac (electric only, no gas)
*dishwasher
*washer/dryer and/or hookups
*Fenced-in backyard (for Lola)
*Hardwood floors/tile (no carpet)
*close to UNCW
*between $600-$700 monthly

We realize that we might not find a place to suit all our wants and needs, and that we will have to compromise on a lot of things (especially the price). Jordan and I both want to try to transfer to different Starbuckes, however, if that doesn't work out, I already vowed that I would get a new job.
As far as our lease here is concerned, Jordan's friend and his sister apparently want to take it over, although I don't necessarily trust that they are going to go through with it. If they don't, we will have to find someone who will take our lease over. That requires the help of Craigslist, and its pretty much a headache because you have to find someone you trust. Otherwise, we are stuck here until July 31st! So I told Jordan that he needs to tell them that we need to know (in writing) that they are definitely going to take our lease over, and we need to know this by at least the end of February.
Then comes the hassle of finding a new place to live. Then comes the move itself, and we are going to see if we need a uhaul. Jordan and I are planning on buying a new bed and a new couch and end tables. So if we buy these things before we move, we will more than likely need a uhaul, but maybe not a big one, just a smaller one that's cheaper to rent. My family has already agreed that they will help, and maybe we can enlist the help of some of our friends. Jordan and I really don't have too much stuff so hopefully, there won't be too much of an issue.
As far as I am concerned, I still need to apply for financial aid soon. I also need to focus on school this next semester (I haven't even gotten books!) I just can't wait for it to be warm! It's like 20 degrees today. That's way too cold! Well, anyway, I just pray to God that everything works out and falls into place like perfect puzzle pieces, even if the game of putting the puzzle together is hard and at times impossible along the way! Then, once it is finished, I can focus on the good things...like going to the beach everyday!

Wingin' It

2009-12-10T20:40:00.000-08:00

I realized I hadn't written in my blog in a while. I mean, I posted a story but that's it. I've been so lazy lately and I discovered Twitter which hasn't been much fun cause I only know two people on it, and the rest of the people I follow are celebrities - which is also fun because I get to read all the funny and sometimes embarrassing things they write on there. Some stuff I'm just like.. "What the hell? Why would they write something like that?" I find the funniest person on there is Kathy Griffin. She calls everyone "fellow twatters." I like that...twatter.
Anyway, so enough about that, so I was just reflecting on how stinky the apartment is at this moment. It's either something one of our neighbors is cooking or perhaps it is my boxer Bo sitting next to me. Not sure...he usually doesn't stink!
Well, folks, I'm anxiously awaiting my final grades to return so that I can finally send my transcript to UNCW. Jordan and I took a day trip to Wilmington the other day (Which, by the way, don't ever do if you don't want to spend 6 hours in a car in one day). We would have stayed somewhere, but we had to come back because I was supposed to get our husky puppy spayed the next morning. Well, it turns out we COULD have stayed in Wilmington because we didn't even get it done yesterday. We accidentally fed her and gave her water after 9pm the night before the surgery, so I had to call the next morning. They told me it was better to be safe that sorry and that we should reschedule. So now she's getting spayed three days before Christmas. What they said could happen was that what was ever in her stomach might be upset by the anesthesia and she could suffocate in her sleep. OMG! Glad I didn't let them do the surgery.
Well anyway, back to the Wilmington thing. Well, we went by the school just to check on things, and the lady told me that they had everything on file for me except my final transcript. She said as soon as they had that transcript, they would go ahead and make a decision on me. So hopefully that was positive. I see no reason why I shouldn't get in...my grades are good. So we will just have to see. I just need to get that transcript in!!! I want to know by January.
So the deal about that, since the two of you who are reading this were wondering, is that we are, given that I get into UNCW, moving down to Wilmington probably in May or June. That depends on how long it takes us to find a decent place that will allow us to have our dogs. As far as our apartment here in Greensboro goes, apparently Alex wants to take over our lease with his sister. So if they do that, although I doubt it at this point, we should be able to go as early as May. (If they dont do it, we'll find someone else). So the good news about that is that I get to spend all summer long at the beach! All I will be doing is working and hanging out at the beach, and I think that is very appealing!
Jordan doesn't know what he is going to do. He wants to look into go to Cape Fear CC to do a criminal justice associates or the BLET. I feel bad making him leave Greensboro, but I think we've both had it with this place and need a change!
I DO know that when I move I sure as hell am not going to work for Starbucks. There's nothing wrong with the company but: 1. Wilmington is the hometown of Port City Java and it would be a slap in Wilmington's face to work for Starbucks (although Wilmington allowed four Starbuckes to open in the area, except in the downtown sector which belongs solely to PCJ), and 2. If I work at a restaurant all summer (in a vacation town, no less) think of the money I'd rake in??
Anyway, that's the plan. I don't even know if we are officially going at this point. But I hope to God we get to! I think its just something I gotta do and if it's meant to be it's meant to be!
In other news, the puppy Lola is growing up so fast! She had some roundworm problems several weeks ago but we got that promptly taken care of and she is better! I freaked out about it sooo much, but now I know that roundworms are the most common problem in puppies and almost all dogs are born with them! We also have been having flea problems with her. Our older Boxer, Bo, doesn't have any fleas on him, and she had large adult fleas living on her. However, she came with fleas when we bought her from Jordan's parents' neighbor. So we bought her some Comfortis today, and I gave it to her and within a few hours all the fleas that had been on her had hopped off and died in the floor. I had to sweep them all up when I got home. I counted ten, but there could have been more! I also brushed her and searched for remaining fleas but found none. I am really excited and I am going to keep her on that stuff so that they don't ever come back to bother her again. I have given the Boxer Comfortis before, and he has done well with it, although he's never had nearly as many fleas on him as I saw on her! It was ridiculous! But I guess with all that hair on her there were plenty of places for them to hide!
Well besides all that, Christmas is coming soon! My friend and I are going shopping tomorrow and also are having a girl's night. I'm excited also because tomorrow is my last exam and I am done for the holidays! I've just been winging my exams. I haven't even sat down to study, not once! However, I feel I have done very good on all the exams I have taken thus far. I already have one final grade back..I made an A- in History of Rock Music! Hells yeah! I'm gonna try to pass my last Bio Psy quiz (he never set up a final..all we did was take quizzes as semester) tomorrow and then I will be done with it all and never have to think about it again!

Masterpiece

2009-12-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

The day the Germans thundered into Vienna, Eva Berger was ponderously gazing upon a half-finished painting that she had been working on for nearly three months. To an ordinary person, the painting might have seemed somewhat simple, but hour after hour she stood there, her head crooked to the side, silently debating where to place the right amount of contrast, where to shade, where to center the focal point, what colors to use and mix. It was certainly mind-numbing work, and she felt ill at ease - not to mention she was somewhat distracted by the clamor coming from the streets. Her studio, however stimulating of an atmosphere she had tried to create, was helping little to calm her nerves enough to wield a paintbrush. In her mind’s eye, she was creating the image of a lush landscape with just the stroke of her fingertips - so beautiful and untouched by the ills of this world. Eva and her mother had spent countless summers in the Austrian hinterland, and memories of such unspoiled land inspired her to mostly paint landscapes. However, she was determined to create a masterpiece by portraying Paradise, far superior than any view found in Austria or elsewhere. If only she could be inspired just then!
Her work was finally interrupted by her younger brother Herschel, who whisked her down to the city centre to view the procession of Wehrmacht soldiers flooding the city. Like a tidal wave they poured in, their gunmetal gray uniforms flowing past in a melancholy blur. Their trucks and motorcycles sounded like distant thunder echoing off barren hills, and the planes that whizzed by kept close watch over the scene like vultures. Some people seemed happy to welcome their liberators, their arms raised in a disturbing salute, with wicked smiles spread across their faces. The Germans did not return their enthusiasm per se, but they only stared on, like puppets on strings, without the comedic gestures of an affable children’s puppet show. Herschel jittered uneasily next to his sister, and grabbed for her hand: “Eva,” he said, “What will happen now?”
“I do not know Herschel,” Eva replied. She only knew that war had come to Vienna, but she did not yet know that they were the enemies.
When the Nazis annexed Austria in 1938, the horrors began right away. First, Jews were not allowed to go to certain public places, like a café that Herschel and Eva frequented, the cinema, or the opera house. Even certain parts of the city were shut to them.
And then there were the curfews, the patrolling of streets and the random arrests, the white armband with the blue Star of David that they were forced to wear on their overcoats. Every commodity and privilege they had once known was taken from them. Many Jewish-owned businesses and factories were confiscated and closed, or sold to the highest Aryan bidder. Eva’s one room studio where she worked above an array of both Aryan and Jewish-owned offices, was taken from her, and so she had to relocate her paintings to her uncle’s bakery, where they hung proudly for a short time, until November, when his bakery was destroyed during a Nazi pogrom called Kristallnacht.
Eva, her mother, and her brother would have left the country, but they could not afford to pay for outrageous exit visas. They would have gone into hiding when they learned that Jews were being deported, but they knew no one who would be willing to hide them. When the S.S. came for them in late 1941, the Berger's assumed that the war could not go on much longer, and the Allies would find victory soon. They had much hope for the future, because they did not know anything else.
Herschel, Mrs. Berger and Eva were rounded up with all of the other unfortunate souls and were sent to Theresienstadt. Upon arriving, they found a prison - completely surrounded by fences and walls, and guarded by Nazis and their ferocious dogs. They decided to try to make do with the situation, however difficult, and Eva was able to at least garner some paper and pencils so that she could draw. They worked during the day, and were permitted to their own devices at night. Instead of sleeping, Eva sat awake vigorously drawing by the moonlight. She did not have any variation of colors to work with, but it did not matter since everything about the camp was so very gray. Her drawings were of people, were of the camp, were of the guards…anything she was inspired to record as an image rather than a paragraph, since she hadn’t the mind to keep a diary. Her art is what kept her going. It is what kept her sane.
The Germans attempted to make the prisoners seem like highly privileged inmates to the outsider, but in reality they were very much in suffering. Mrs. Berger grew wretchedly hungry, so hungry that Eva was sure her ribs would burst through her near translucent skin. Herschel returned to his sister and mother day after day warning them of possible deportations to other unknown destinations, many of them in the East. Friends they had made were growing thin as more were selected for transfers. Eva worried that Herschel or her mother would be sent without her, or she would be sent without them.
Mrs. Berger died in late 1942, almost a year after they had arrived. Night after night, and sometimes during the day, Eva plunged herself even further into her drawings. Some mornings she would wake to find that her creation from the night before was nothing more than a dark circle that she had drawn numerous times over and over again, like a black hole. It was the representation of her misery.
Eva knew there were other artists within the camp, and she was witness to some of the many interesting works they had created, all obviously related to life at Theresienstadt. Some of the Czechs called the place Terezin, and they said that “nothing grows in Terezin.” They said, “I do not see birds in Terezin.” They painted and drew pictures, and wrote songs and poems about how life ceases to thrive in Terezin - that they were existing in a lifeless void, awaiting an inescapable fate that would surely come.
In late 1943, Herschel and Eva were sent to Auschwitz. After the grueling train ride to the camp, they arrived under cover of night to the sound of shouting and barking dogs. The siblings were immediately pulled off the car without the chance to grab what little belongings they had brought. Eva tried to hold onto Herschel, but he was torn away from her. She tried to fight her way back to him but the baton of an unseen S.S. guard was bludgeoning her so hard that she had no choice but to turn away and run with the current. She never saw Herschel again.
Instead of being selected to die, Eva was sent to be washed, her head was shaved, her arm tattooed with an identification number and her body sheathed in itchy prison garb. They transferred her to Buna, in another section of Auschwitz, where she would work in a synthetic rubber factory and would live in barracks with other women laborers. She did not have any paper or pencil and had no outlet for her suffering. But she now had a new habit of keeping herself going every day. At night she laid awake, painting imaginary murals upon the otherwise lifeless ceiling and walls. The images were so vivid and the colors were so bright.
As the Red Army drew near in January, 1945, the SS began to move the prisoners, some, like Eva, were sent to other forced labor camps. On one of the coldest days Eva could remember, she was sent back to her birth place of Austria, to the camp Mauthausen, where she served again as forced labor. She was able to secure some paper and a bit of chalk but found that she could not conjure anything to memory - the ideas she had fabricated before her long ordeal at Auschwitz had begun to fade as the days grew longer and her body was growing weaker. All around her, people were starving and dying. It was like a cemetery but the corpses were upright, moving in slow motion. It was a living hell. Even the most beauteous scenes of Paradise could not erase the evil and the misery that Eva witnessed, and she was greatly changed by it.
In May, 1945, Mauthausen was liberated by the Americans. Never before had Eva seen more jubilant sick people. Many of them were so excited they leapt off of their cots and went to welcome to the victors, only to be found a short while later dead from mere exhaustion. By this time, Eva had retired to her barracks indefinitely, waiting for a miracle or death, whichever one came first. Had the Americans been any later, she may have not survived.
After weeks of waiting for any sign of Herschel, she finally received confirmation that he had been killed at Auschwitz upon their arrival from Theresienstadt. She no longer had any family, and for the first time in seven years she wanted to die.
Some months later in Britain, Eva bought a blank canvas, and looked upon it, struggling to remember how she had once envisioned Paradise. But she found that she could not. She knew then that even though art had saved her during those long years of tribulation, it had now passed away and she was left with a story to tell, in speech, in writing, but no longer in paintings or drawings. She was left with a hollow mind in which no liveliness, no color, no hope existed. She wished then that art had never been a part of her life during those years. She wished that she would have been killed, one way or another, because nothing in this world could replace Herschel, her most beloved brother. Eva was alone, and she could not escape loneliness.
She never picked up a paintbrush again.

Wilmington

2009-10-17T21:06:00.001-07:00

So here's the deal. I think me and Jordan are moving to Wilmington this upcoming summer. There are several reasons actually. Here's why. I am not liking UNCG like I previously thought I would. It has nothing to do with the school itself per se; my classes are interesting and the instructors are very intelligent and know how to teach. It's not that it's too hard or too easy or what have you, I just don't enjoy the idea that I am going to college in Greensboro, a town that leaves a lot to be desired. I feel like maybe I am selling myself a little short - that I could have a better time elsewhere, and get the full college experience. Even though I live in an apartment I'm still technically "at home" since I've lived here for the past three years already. I'm so tired of this town and even though the campus is very lovely, it all seems a little stagnant to me. These are not very good thoughts to be having my first semester in at UNCG, right? So I want to try to go to UNCW. I think I would like it there (not for the parties, although those can't hurt, right?) but just to have a change in scenery. Plus, I will be at the coast and since I am very much a beach/coastal person I would really dig that. I know I know, I will probably end up hating anywhere I go, especially since my last trip to UNCW left me with a bad taste in my mouth (but maybe that was because I was hanging around my friend who had suddenly changed since she started going there?). However, it can't be any worse than here, y'know? I'm sure there are plenty of decent people there just like there are decent people here and anywhere else you'd go. I'd make friends all the same but it'd be hard starting out, definitely!
Here's the other reason why we're trying to move. Jordan doesn't know if he will be able to finish at UNCG. Since it took him so long to decide what he would major in, he lost valuable time to get in required general credits. So now, his sociology degree is gonna take him at least another two and half years. Ridiculous I know, especially when he has to take shit that has nothing to do with what he wants to do in life. He wants to apply to Wilmington Police Department as soon as they start accepting applications again. If he gets the job, he will start making $34,000 per year, which is $3,000 more than Greensboro. I think he may try to get a Criminal Justice Associates degree, which wouldn't take him nearly as long and as expensive as finishing out his bachelors. As much as I want him too, I don't want him or his parents to just be throwing money away at something while he could technically enter the job force and start making money right away. So if he doesn't get financial aid for the rest of this school year, he said he is not returning for the next year.
We've been talking a lot about what we need to do to prepare for Wilmington. I told him I needed to know what was going on before March 1, because then I would need to submit my application to UNCW, in hopes that they accept my transfer. I would then need to try to transfer to a Wilmington Starbucks and start searching for a house to rent. Jordan would hopefully by then apply to the police force, perhaps hearing back from them in about six months. But we have to wait a couple of months to see what happens before making any hasty decisions!!
I hope it all works out for the best, God willing, of course!

If I don't get to the beach soon I'm gonna die...

2009-10-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

I am a coastal person. I grew up in tidewater VA near many rivers and estuaries. There were awesome seafood places, and even though the beach was far away, at least we had the Chesapeake Bay to give us a hint that we were close to the shore. Seagulls mulling around in parking lots were an everyday sight. Here in Piedmont NC, I don't even see gulls. I have to decorate my house beach-y or nautically theme just to find some relaxation. I go to Red Lobster when I want to feel like I'm sitting at an overpriced seafood joint on vacation. It sucks. I have to be near the coast. I have to!

Ugh..
In other news, I'm still enjoying myself in school. It's fun, mostly, except when I have to study. I'm not behind in any class, and I'm making good grades. I kind of slacked off this past week in Bio Psy by not reading all of the chapter and consequentially bombing the quiz (I think) unless I just got lucky and picked all the right answers at random. That would be amazing. I'm not too worried about it. I have a Hinduism test tomorrow; boy that's gonna be a blast!
Anyway, so I'm pretty sure, like 99.9% sure I'm transferring to another SBUX. I sent the request in on Monday, and haven't heard anything yet, but the other manager pretty much said she could take me on her crew. So hopefully there will be NO MORE MALL for me! Woot! But we will have to see what happens with it in the next week. If they deny me I will cry! And scream!
I guess that's all right now. I'm not in the best mood right now. I'll write more when I am in a good mood.

It's Getting Easier

2009-09-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

Every time I ride my bike to school it gets easier. It takes me less and less time, and I don't get so winded when I am going up big hills. Today it took me 15 minutes, which is not bad. The things that suck about riding it (and what I really dread) is 1. Fear of running over people walking at UNCG - They just won't get out of the way, not for anything. It's really annoying when you are trying to ride and you have to keep riding around the people because they will just keep coming at you. I have told some people to get out of the way already, and even held my tongue a couple of times when I was about to yell out "You morons!" They don't just walk in straight lines, they walk every which damn way - diagonally, horizontally, backwards, frontwards, goofy footed, you name it.
2. I hate hills. Period.
3. I hate being sweaty and worn out. Fortunately, today it was cold outside so I didn't sweat but this afternoon might be worse.
I assume as I go along it will become much easier on me than it is now, and that I will probably prefer it to be my method of transportation, since I'm trying to lose weight.
I know that I have lost inches off of my waist, because I was able to squeeze my butt into some flared jeans I hadn't been able to wear in a loooong time!
Finally, Bo, my boxer dog, is coming to live with us soon, when I can pay the security deposit to have him! I'm really excited about it. He stayed with us for four days this week and he seemed happy (other than he didn't eat that much) but I think after he stays a while he will get used to it. Well anyway, I believe that's it for now!

Oh la la

2009-08-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

Well school has started and it's been about as hectic as I had imagined. Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays I have only two classes, with a break in between, during which I go to my awesome work-study job (which is where I am at this exact moment - on the internet!), and on tuesdays and thursdays I have my work-study job first thing, then three classes! It's hard to get to Starbucks after school, especially since I am either biking, walking, or waiting for the HEAT bus to pick me up. I think the fastest way to get home right now is to ride the bike, but I get so tired and it's been seriously hot outside, so I am going to wait until it gets cooler before I make the bike my primary transportation. The thing is, I really don't want to make my availability at Starbucks any later than it is now. If so, I may lose hours per week. I'm sure everyone is going through this too: I think Ryan said his Starbucks in Chicago closed at like 8pm, so that makes it harder to get hours. Sometimes, I wish we closed later, but then again, I don't want to be up so late. Getting enough sleep is scarce now.

My instructors are pretty good, and all they assign is reading (which, by the way, I am NOT so good at, because it bores me to death and they usually assign like 50 pages to read!)

On a happier note, I got a haircut! It's just above my shoulders and it is super cute! I will take a picture and put it up on facebook soon. It's probably one of the cuter haircuts I've had.

Okay, I'm going to put up something now that I will do with every post. It's sort of a way to document the phases I go through, like music, movies, fashion style, etc. Just random things that I like at the time, (or continue to like) or discovered that I like. I don't know what to call this section of my blog, but perhaps I should call it: Theresa's Findings and Phases. I will seek out a better title soon, if I can think of one. Perhaps someone can give me a few ideas?

Theresa's Findings and Phases

Entertainment:

Music: Yo La Tengo

Songs to Download from this amazing group right now are:

The Summer - quirky guitar part

Autumn Sweater - awesome drum beat

They sort of remind me of some kind of European trance/discotecque group, with indie pop thrown in the mix. They are just amazing, and really chill, with cool technology induced sounds and beats.

GO SEE GO SEE GO SEE!: Inglourious Basterds, Quentin Tarantino film, starring Brad Pitt, Melanie Laurent, Diane Kruger, Eli Roth. Amazing and hilarious movie. The acting was superb, the writing - magnifique! It's a movie I want to see again (and again and again and again).

Television: True Blood This series gets the blood pumping if you know what I mean. Where will you find me Sunday evening? At home, watching what Bill, Sookie, Eric, Tara and Sam will do next!

Fashion:

High waisted skirt dress (I think that's what it's called)

They are so cute. I just want one!

That's it for now, unless I think of something else. Thanks for reading!

4 days until moving day!

2009-07-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

Well I only have four more sleeps in my aunt's house and then we are moving into our new apartment. I'm really excited but a little apprehensive. It's my first place, and I'm just worried about all the rapid changes, but I know it'll be for the better!

I've been packing stuff up all day long, and Jordan and I spray painted a little newspaper stand/end table. We started with white, then allowed it to dry. We then bought stencils of palm trees and taped it to the table and began painting with acryllic colors. It looks really good! I really like to paint (even though I'm not the greatest painter ever!). It helps take the stress off, and makes me feel good about something I've created. Jordan likes it too!

It looks so good!

WE GOT AN APARTMENT!

2009-07-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

Two good things have happened since I last wrote (before White Lake). Jordan and I got back together after spending some time apart, and we found that having our own space for a while really did our relationship good. We now know that we don't have to be together 24/7 to be "together," but we enjoy the time that we also get to spend by ourselves doing other things, or with our own friends. I'm really happy and I just have a fresh outlook on our life together..it feels brand new, yet we have such a wonderful history together with many precious memories! So we continue to write new exciting chapters! Like getting an apartment!
Today we signed the lease for our apartment! It's not the same one I was talking about before. We got a better deal on this one. It's on Spring Garden St. and is a 2 br/ 1 bath with a medium sized kitchen and a VERY large living room. The living room is so large I don't know what we would do with half of it. The best part about it is that cable, electricity, and water are all included in the rent, and we split everything 50/50. We signed separate leases too! And it's total electric, which means no gas heat! Our bedrooms are medium sized, and I'm going to put a twin bed in mine, and Jordan is putting his full sized bed in his. He gave me the bedroom with the largest closets, I guess because I'm a girl! It's going to be nice having our own rooms to go to, and at any rate it makes the apartment seem bigger! The good news is that we have either been given or already had most of the stuff needed to make our apartment a home. We are going to buy various things, but are being given a kitchen table and chairs, recliner, microwave, coffee and end tables, lamps, dressers, toaster, pots and pans, plates, bowls, and other things we might need. Jordan and I went today to Walmart and bought silverware, a pizza pan, a trash can and some cups. All we need now is a sofa, a TV stand, some more lamps and I need a twin bed and mattress. Jordan might buy a new mattress, I'm not sure yet. We are going to an estate auction tomorrow so we might pick up a few things for cheap. Then we are going to Dollar General to get some cleaning supplies on the cheapside.
Well we get the keys next friday and move in next Saturday. I'm so excited but I got the daunting tasks of going through everything in my room and throwing out things I don't need and packing up stuff I do need. I have to work next Saturday night so I'm moving my things in in the morning, and Jordan gets works Saturday morning, and will move his things that afternoon. So by Saturday night we should be sleeping in our new home!

Taking a break from packing..and thinking...

2009-07-10T18:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm packing up for my week long vacation to White Lake, and I feel a little overwhelmed. I'm pretty sure I'm going to forget something. Sigh, happens everytime, but I'll make sure I don't forget money at least! I got most of my packing done, now I am just deciding what leisure items I want to take with me ie: books, music, guitar, etc. I think I will more than likely take Maja (the acoustic guitar). I was thinking about taking B.B. (AKA Black and Beautiful, my electric) and Fred the Amp, but I will probably leave them at home because I'm sure everyone wouldn't quite appreciate the noise, both the folks in our house and the entire neighborhood! I WISH I COULD TAKE THE BIKE! But alas I do not have a bike rack and I would probably not ride it once I got down there anyway! I'll be too busy loafing around. Next year, when I get a new bike, hopefully I'll bring it with me (if I go to WL next year, that is..).
On to other news. My best friend has decided to be my roommate so now we are looking for a place next to the school to rent out. I'm psyched it's him, mostly because he's my best friend and I can trust him. I think he is happy about it too, because finding a roommate is hard work, and both of us really wouldn't feel comfortable living with strangers (at least I wouldn't). So we're gonna try it for a year and see where we end up.
The other day we were at UNCG and walking up and down the streets near the school, and found a house that had a 2-3 bedroom apartment in the upstairs with ALL UTILITIES INCLUDED. This means electric, gas, water, high speed internet, washer/dryer on site, and cable are all included in the price. So I called the number on the sign and the guy answered and started telling me about the property. Only thing is, its $900/month! So basically, $450 each. Which is not exactly what I wanted to pay, but when I started thinking about it, that's what I will end up paying each month anyway, regardless of where I live. The lowest rent you can find in the area is probably around $350, and that is not including what you would pay in regards to utilities. The problem with having your rent and utilities separate is many times you have to deal with the power companies and other utility companies on your own. It's just less of a hassle if you write one check a month. The landlord also seemed pretty cool. He talked to me for the longest time! He said that we could actually fit another person in there, so my friend is thinking about asking his friend if he wants to go in with us. Then it would be $300 each. And that is a f**king STEAL!!! The landlord said that we can paint the walls any color we want and just as long as we aren't disruptive, he wants us to enjoy being in college. And the location could not be any better. You literally take 10 steps off the front porch and you are on campus!! So I told the guy we would get in touch with him sometime this next week, and that we would like to come see it after we get back from White Lake. I just pray to God no one snatches up the apartment before then. It's not even on Craigslist (I checked) so hopefully not too many people are looking on McIver st. for a house! I will keep my fingers crossed though! We both have a good feeling about it, now we just need to see the inside, and learn if there is an application fee/security deposit, and if I can possibly adopt a cat!
Another thing, I am trying to get transferred to the Shoppes at Battleground Starbucks store! I went up there the other day to get a drink, and the girl remembered me from last time (when I asked the manager if she was accepting transfers) and she told me to call ASAP, because a girl had just quit. So I called yesterday, and the manager said it was a possibility but that she couldn't talk about it right at that moment, and asked me to called back on Monday. So I'm going to call Monday morning and talk to her. This is the closest store to the McIver st. apartment at only 1.8 miles, and I have several routes I can take if I want to bike up there. I was suprised to see the mall was 5 miles away! I never thought it was that far from UNCG. But I am praying and hoping that she accepts me, if not now than hopefully keep me in mind for the future should she need to hire anyone. If I'm going to live on McIver, I need to be making more money and need more hours, and the mall's hours just don't cut it, son!
So that's all that's been going on lately. I'm glad I'm going on vacation, but I just wish it was a week later so I can see what's going to happen with the apartment and with Starbucks. But no need to rush into things just yet, I suppose! I will just try to relax and keep praying, cause I know something good is going to come to me. It has to, sooner or later, right? I hope so!

Jesus Christo

2009-07-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

So it's less than a week until my big vacation to White Lake, NC, which is a natural lake near the coast. Last week was the slowest week ever, and this one will probably go even slower. What sucks the most is that before I go down, I have to get a few things taken care of, including getting my car serviced and inspected. The engine light is on for some crazy reason. I checked the oil, and we put water in the radiator, but still the light is on, so I have to take it to the shop to see what's wrong with it. They won't inspect the car unless that light goes off, which sucks because that's what I need to get done before we leave for vacation. If it's something serious that's going to cost big bucks, I'm going to have to wait until after White Lake, which means the car is getting left at home and I'll hitch a ride with someone else. That part would really blow because I like to have my own car down there so that I can come and go as I please, and don't have to wait on everyone else. I also like to go down to Wilmington and the beach at least once, since it's only 45 minutes away. But whatever is wrong with my car, I doubt it's very serious, otherwise, the car would have broken down or something. The light's purpose is to just warn the driver that certain fluids need to be checked. We'll see what happens tomorrow though.
Also I have to call my insurance agent. I was supposed to drop my full coverage and just have liability, but the insurance company hasn't complied with that yet. They sent me the bill anyway. What happened was the monthly payments are way too high and I can't afford it anymore. Plus, if I move close to UNCG, I won't need a car as badly and I can just ride my bike to most places I need to go. So the need for full coverage will be less relevant. I will probably get insurance on my bike though! But what is that? Like $5 a month? ;) So I got to get that taken care of (once again). It really is a pain in the ass.
Other than that, I am so bored! I pretty much worked every single day this week, and actually have worked everyday since last Friday (not this past Friday but the one before that! Eight days straight!) so I always had somewhere to be during the day. This is my first day off and with absolutely nowhere to be - what do I do with myself?! It's a weird feeling! I can't really go out to eat or anything like that because I'm saving money for White Lake ($160 plus $77 to board my dog at a kennel for a week!), and also whatever I need to get done to my car, plus gas. All I do really is just get online, or play guitar, or come up with songs, or watch television or lounge around. I like to ride the bike too, but sometimes its entirely too hot to go outside. Lately it's been decent, so I may ride today. All I wish for, however, is an EMPTY house! Think of how relaxing that would be!
I've really just been a homebody lately. I like to go and hang with friends you know, but I've been a little socially shy lately. I also am starting to feel like crap, but I should feel better next week. I only really look forward to having band practice with Turtle Paw and playing music, and of course going away for a week. I'm also looking forward to school starting up in the fall. I'm pretty apprehensive about it, and although I have a good idea what to expect (this is my third year in college) I'm still worried about how I am going to manage getting to all my classes on time and managing school work with my job. I will also have a work study job, so I have to factor that into my schedule. I honestly won't be able to find time for anything else! So that's what I'm worried about mostly.
Now, on the topic of moving. I need to figure out what I am going to do by August. Am I going to stay at home at Jean's house, and commute to school, probably leaving the house earlier than usual to find a parking space, and also spending tons of money on gas? Or am I going to move close to the school and spend tons of money on rent and bills? But get to bike to school? What's it gonna be. Both options are equally expensive and equally inconvenient. It's a tough decision to make!
But I will try to think about that stuff when I get back! Right now I just have to keep myself entertained and get my car stuff worked out, both insurance and the issue with the engine light. And I have to tell myself that things will get better! I just have to keep my head up!

Conformity Is In

2009-07-03T20:47:00.000-07:00

Women want a hero,
Men want a movie star,
Nobody wants to be a zero,
Nobody's happy the way they are.

Women want to look younger,
Spend thousands on surgery and creams,
Men want to look stronger,
Outdo each other, even on the same teams.

Not many men look like Clooney,
Not many women look like Gisele,
We're living in the movies,
Reveal a secret, and someone will tell.

Everyone has to be a liar,
the liar is the one you trust now,
"Does this make me look fatter?"
"No dear, you don't look like a cow."

Turn on the television, let's see,
what lessons we can learn today,
Everybody is better than me,
Everybody's got to be one way.

So let's knock the absurd notion,
of being an individual person,
one day they'll make a magic potion,
so we can all enjoy being the same.

Am I not the right size?
Oh damn it must be a sin!
Am I not buying into these lies?
Conformity is in!

In the Cemetery at St. John's

2009-06-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

People gather, whispering,
the rain drops fall,
someone's cellphone ringing,
isn't natural at all,
I'm not surprised,
so many familiar faces here,
the dead and the alive,
not a scowl not a tear,
you forced me to be sincere,
sincerity at its best,
I try to appear,
I mirror the rest,
the memories I carry,
in my slightly affected heart,
linger over me as they bury,
the dead, forced to depart,
the names, the dates,
the lonely prayers, the stones,
we are summoned to wait,
in the meadow of bones.

Music in the City

2009-06-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

The night falls.
A baby awakes.
Down two flights.
A mother sings.

The blinds are uneven.
You're just the same.
Your favorite song is playing,
With the roar of the subway train.

And he's all alone,
in a beat-up hotel room,
He's given his money,
to the sirens of the night.

The man in the lobby,
Floats up to the 2nd floor.
His eyes remain empty.
His heart remains torn.

You cannot ignore
the face in the mirror.
Someday you'll say
It wasn't you at all.

Come to my place.
I'll tell you the truth.
Life moves on slowly,
But you stay just the same.

Spanish Moss

2009-06-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

Here beneath the spanish moss,

in the shade of cypress trees,

the ship I made out of popsicle sticks,

is ready to claim the high seas.

There's a boat cruising along,

somewhere out on the misty lake,

the storm has come and gone,

and calm has taken it's place.

I fear I may sink my boat,

How many popsicle sticks does it take,

to keep her afloat,

upon the purple lake?

The night grows near,

the sun sets with ease,

the scent of mixed drinks and beer,

dances on the breeze.

Finally the twilight hush,

the people get off their feet,

forgetting the work week rush,

and enjoy their company and eat.

This is all we can afford,

but we love this place,

all the boats are moored,

the water becomes still on the lake.

Faintly music floats,

in on the summer wind,

and laughter along with the notes,

come from another pier.

We happily sit on the dock,

and admire the stars,

that reflect in the lake water,

and feel so small, and yet so glad.

I'm working on setting this to music....

Speechless

2009-06-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

I cannot speak for fear
you in your highest place can
with the sway of your hand
pass me by without a glance
as if you hadn't for years
been so kind and so warm
perhaps you were only leading me on
I do not know what strength
it would require to speak freely,
as my heart begs, my mind warns
if you were to deny me
I would retreat to my own place
and would later emerge the same girl
but one who guards her heart
more carefully than before
I'd rather remain speechless
and dream and dream, the perfect
scenes belonging to the realm of
slumber; a place where everything
goes my way, and nightmares only
occur by day,
I shall never know, but it is better
not to know; perhaps knowing
will crack the mirror and rip the seams
You are perfect in your
unattainable state,
as I continue to love you from afar.

-Theresa Mattiello

Lately

2009-06-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

I've been complaining a lot about my job and I probably need to shut up because there are plenty of people who would love to have my job. I think that I just have low tolerance for stupid and angry people. Although I would generally prefer to transfer to another store, I'm still going to run into stupid, angry people...And the hours thing is an issue at almost every store, so anyway I look at it, things will be equally bad...or equally good...but nevermind the silly squabble about my job...
What I am most excited about right now is starting school at UNCG. I know that classes just ended and I should be enjoying the time I have off right now, but its going to be exciting to start up at a new school with new faces.
I also have sort of a plan for when I am finished with college in a few years. I really want to try to look into the Peace Corps. I was at Katie's house the other day and she was showing me a booklet that had all of the PC programs that I could get into depending on my major and experience. I could do something within all sectors, but I am mostly interested in either Education, Agriculture, or Environmental Awareness...Then after the Peace Corps I was thinking maybe look into working for cruise lines??? My plan of course isn't definite (nothing ever is at my age) but I think these are good options since the economy might still be struggling when I graduate, not to mention I want to do a lot of traveling, A LOT of traveling, when I get out of college. The Peace Corps will allow me to connect to people in another country. It's an amazing experience to submerge yourself into an entirely different culture, I know...I went to the Philippines when I was 16 and had the biggest culture shock of my life, but I also did a lot of maturing in that period of time. It's definately worth it...you don't look at the US or yourself or the life you had ever again. Things change dramatically, but in a good way. You become more humble and understanding of others, especially in third world and developing countries, where people do not have the things we take for granted everyday!
At any rate, I just need to breathe and take every day at a time, and not try to get so worked up over trivial incidents at work or at home, because that stuff doesn't matter in the long run!

The Quest for Canada

2009-05-22T09:21:00.001-07:00

I have a yearning; I want to go north where the air is cold and crisp, and in the summer is humid but not hot. I want to go to a place where sight will replace mystery, for mystery is all it ever seems to be. I want to see the wild as if I were the only person left to roam on earth, I want to sway to the music beating through me. The vast wilderness ahead of me, as I scan city lights. A large tower before me, and the people saying "EH!" around me. Gorgeous men with hockey sticks and furry countenances. A taste of Europe but still on the same continent. Speak textbook french with people that I do not understand (and I doubt they understand me), get caught up in Indian names, for rivers, for peaks, for landscapes, for lakes, for towns. Open my mind up for adventure, and leave all else behind. Be serenaded by the owls at night, and hear the percussion of water as it falls into the misty unknown. Swim in the Great Lakes, soar over mountains like an eagle, and only right over the border, between here and there. I will be gone but not too far away. I want to go north where the ice melts halfway in May, and returns again in September. I want to feel cold like no other, and never feel it again. I want to build a fire, and watch the auroras dance in the sky, while the wolf howls and the snow softly falls. Behind me is the United States of America, set in her ways, before me, is nothing, pure and true. And I want to go there before I die.

Updates on Life, Goals, Future, Everything

2009-05-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

Well as many of you know I will be going to UNCG next semester, and getting my college education out the of way before I start my long and (hopefully) interesting life. I have no earthly idea what I will do after I graduate, but I really want to travel for a while, or do something completely spontaneous. Perhaps I will do something with the Peace Corps, like my good friend Katie, perhaps I will get a writing internship somewhere, or I will move to Wilmington and start life fresh and get some job doing kayak tours on the intercoastal waterway. Who knows? I can't be worried about what course my life will take after school because there's a million and one possibilities, and if I even pretend to have a clue what I will be doing, I'll be misleading myself. I must keep an open mind about everything.

Right now, however, I have found myself in a rut. I'm not making enough money at my current job to afford to live on my own, so I am still at my aunt's house, which is nice for the time being, but I am going to need to figure out something soon. I'm 20 and I need to be on my own so I know what it is really like being an adult. I asked my manager today if she would consider promoting me, and she said, "it won't be right away, but maybe in three or four months" even though we are losing two shift supervisors in the next couple of months. So I don't know what's going to happen. I really need to get another job if I can't get promoted. But I cannot just work anywhere, it has to be a place that would fit well within my school schedule.

Overall, I'm just getting fed up with the types of personalities I have to deal with on a day to day basis, both at work and at home, and pretty much everywhere I go. At Starbucks we have the absolute worse customers ever. Many of them are ignorant, impatient, and downright mean, although we do have some nice ones that show up every now and then. Working with the public really blows though, and it affects us employees too. While most of us that work together are awesome friends outside of work, when we're at work, things can get a little hectic at times. Mostly I am just tired of people gossiping behind each others' backs and always having ulterior motives against others. Not everyone, but some. And our manager really is oblivious to a lot of the stuff that goes on. She fails to reprimand anyone.

And I'm tired of having to deal with my family's issues and quarrels. My mother has caused quite an uproar amongst my aunts and cousins, and I'm really ashamed to say she's my mother sometimes. She's a prescription drug addict, first of all, so she hasn't been right in her mind for a while, and she's just so ignorant. But I really stopped caring about her a long time ago, when she stopped caring about her children. It's always been about her. So my family is urging me to have her committed, but I do not think its my responsibility. The woman will only change when she wants to change.

On a good note, I'm learning to play to banjo, and have already learned to pick the song "Red River Valley." I play it clawhammer style, because the bluegrass styles are entirely too difficult! Jeremiah's banjo is really cool, and I will have to ask him how much he got it for, and where I could get one just like it. I think I could learn to really do this. It seems simple enough. You pick the notes for the song, and use a pattern to make it have a melody. I guess the same goes for guitar, but I haven't practiced much picking notes on guitar yet. Perhaps banjo will help me become better on guitar?

I have also brough my violin out again, and tuned it. It may be a little flat, but I have been playing a little and so far so good! I also wrote a few songs, and put them to guitar and recorded them on Jeremiah's tape recorder. Hopefully we can work on adding some other instruments to the mix (including banjo?) so that maybe I will have my first ep album?? We will have to see!

I've also registered for fall classes. I am taking Non-Western Religions, American Authors Colonial-Romantic, History of Rock Music, Cultural Anthropology, and Biological Psychology. Sure hope they are good classes!

Well I am really sad that Katie Caldwell is leaving for Africa on June 2, but at the same time I'm so happy for her, and I know it will change her life, and she will really make a difference in someone else's life! I haven't known Katie that long, but it doesn't matter, she's an awesome friend and she's going to be missed dearly!

Well I will just have to keep telling myself that this summer I am going to have a good time, despite any worries that I still harbor in my mind. I'm going to learn the banjo, jam with Turtle Paw, go to White Lake, camp out on the beach, hang with friends and just thoroughly enjoy myself!

Bayou d'Etienne

2009-05-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

Bayou d'Etienne: A Short Story

My 14th birthday present from Aunt Pauline came by way of my cousin Henry St. Clair who lived in the next parish near Bayou d'Etienne. Aunt Pauline often sent someone else along - anybody she could find, in this case Henry St. Clair, her nephew - to pass along news and letters and presents, since she rarely left her home. I hadn't seen her in a few months myself.

The present was wrapped in shiny purple paper, reminiscent of the Mardi Gras season, and was further concealed in a tiny chestnut box that I found quite appealing. Inside was a small silver brooch and in the inset of this brooch was a white silhouette of a young woman on a black background. It was a nice and rather unexpected gift from Aunt Pauline, and I am sure I had never received anything like that from her before. I placed it upon my chest of drawers, and it looked quite elegant there propped up on the chestnut box in which it had come.

I retrieved a thank-you note; I had a box of them, all framed by gold filigree and printed on heavy parchment paper. I hoped to send the note back to my aunt's house with Henry St. Clair, who was lingering outside talking with my older brother Jerome, no doubt about the upcoming summer vacation. It was only April, but it was sweltering hot and we felt like we should already be out of school and down at the river cooling off. I wiped perspiration from my forehead as I penned a simple note to my Aunt Pauline.

I slipped the note into its proper envelope, licked the edges and sealed it, and then went to hand it off to my cousin. When I got out to the porch, Henry had gone, and Jerome was in the yard playing fetch with the dog.

"Henry go home?" I asked him, despite the obvious.
"Yeah."
"I wanted him to take this to Pauline."
"Well he's gone, Noelle, can't you see?"
"Well, I guess I will go down there today and thank her in person."
"Why?" Jerome asked, giving me a puzzled look.
"Because she sent me a really nice gift and you're supposed to thank people when they give you things."
"You're not going all the way down there," Jerome said.
"Yes I am, and you're comin' with me."
"No I ain't," he spat.
"Yes you are. Come on. We won't stay long."

Jerome was hesitant but I knew as soon as he saw how serious I was about going he'd come along too. He wasn't going to let me roam around town by myself.
We got our bikes out of Daddy's shed and started down the road that went all the way to Bayou d'Etienne, about three or four miles south.

Like my brother, I particularly did not want to go, but Southern girls always thanked people for gifts or acts of kindness or otherwise. I could have simply mailed her the card, but that seemed rather pointless since the card would be postmarked Bayou d'Etienne and sent to her address within the same town. Also, our mother had been hounding Jerome and I for months to go down and see our eldest aunt, so it seemed like an appropriate time.

My mother went down there about once or twice a week to visit with her half-sister, although Pauline never made the effort to visit our home. She was twelve years older than Mama, but if you stood the two sisters next to each other, they appeared thirty years apart. After all, Mama had always looked so young, as if she routinely bathed in the Fountain of Youth, and Pauline; well, Pauline was certainly not haggard looking (she always seemed to keep up appearances in public) but she had never been particularly attractive either, and her hair had been turning rapidly gray in recent years.

She kept to herself mostly but did attend church every Sunday and sometimes on Wednesday nights. She was either a born-again Baptist or Evangelist, I could never be sure which, and most of her conversations with others were about the fires of Hell, and how the devil himself lurked everywhere, especially down in Bayou d'Etienne, where there were several bars and what she called "hoochie coochies," frequented mostly, or so she claimed, by Catholics. We were Catholic however - my family and I - so when we went to see her we were often offended at her claim that we were subscribing to the "wrong religion." Sometimes when we were walking out of mass at St. Bernadette's we'd see her roll by in her father's banana-colored Cadillac, and she'd honk her horn and tell us she was going to the Promised Land, and we'd better hop in quick to save our souls.

She often said terrible things about our Parish priest Father Devereux, naming his shameful antics outside of the church doors that she herself had witnessed. There was never any proof or justification for anything she ever said. "And to think you tell that man your sins every week in a box!" She'd often say hatefully. Mama told us she said these things because she was getting more spiteful with age. It was Mama's best attempt at excusing her sister's shortcomings.

She lived at the very edge of Bayou d'Etienne town limits in a big old house that was starting to sink in with age. The outside looked downright terrible, but she kept the inside decent enough, despite the mounds of junk she stowed away, making some rooms inaccessible. We dropped our bikes next to the porch overgrown with weeds. "Let's make this quick," Jerome said.

Aunt Pauline met us at the door. She unlatched the storm door that had been locked from the inside and opened it just wide enough so that we could slide in.
"Come on in," she said with a sigh as if we were selfishly taking up her time.

Inside we found a horrifically cluttered hallway. There were paintings propped up along the walls, dust clouding their images. There were hats and coats and other clothes resting on the stairs, and a large grandfather clock stood ticking furiously, but displaying the wrong time. Whatever pictures or mirrors she had hanging on the wall had been removed, leaving behind their ghostly impressions on the stained wallpaper. The floor creaked loudly, and was probably starting to rot under her runners and carpets. There was a strong odor of cat urine, and as I took a quick peek into the kitchen I spotted black ants crawling all over the the countertops and the stove.

We were afraid to touch anything as we mechanically followed Pauline into her parlor. She told us to sit down, and we looked around for a place to sit where we wouldn't be on top of old clothes or sleeping cats.

"Your mama said y'all might come down," Pauline began, sitting down into an Edwardian style armchair, a once nice piece of furniture but was now torn up by cats' claws. Pauline was wearing a dress and shoes, as if she had just been ready to go out. But we knew she wouldn't be going anywhere today. It was not Sunday and it was a rare occasion that she went out into town except to get some things from the grocery store. She was as skinny as a rail. Her hair was long and curly, and steel colored strands were starting to conquer its original auburn hue.

"Are you both doin' alright in school?" she asked us.
"Yes ma'am," we both said.
"Well, good. You know, I wasn't lucky enough to stay in school. My father got sick and I had to help Mama take care of him. And I just never went back. But it was better. I couldn't stand Sister Mary Agnes..."
We stayed quiet and waited for her to go on, but she didn't, so Jerome said:
"It sure is musty in here, Aunt Pauline."
"You think so?" She replied, "I always thought it was quite airy myself."
I shifted in my seat. Her small talk was making me nervous.

"I remember," she continued, her voice slicing the still air like a knife. "I remember when Father Henry Canton came to give my daddy his last rites. Well, my Daddy was a Catholic after all," she said, a hint of disdain lingering in her voice. "And you know that priest said the same thing to me? 'It's quite musty in this living room' he had the nerve to tell me. As if my home was not good enough for him. The air was not quite good enough. It was too stale for his own Catholic taste. Stale like their wafers. Humph!"

Jerome glared at her. 'Don't say anything,' I said to him in my mind. He remained silent, as the old woman went on.
"At any rate, no one comes down here to see me anymore. I'm forgotten most days."

I cleared my throat awkwardly, and did not know how to respond to such a statement.
"Well I wouldn't visit me either," she said sadly, "Your mama comes down here at least once a week. To see if I'm still breathing I reckon. Though, I feel sorry for her."
"Why?" I asked.
"Oh...well," she paused, "No. I shouldn't talk about that sort of stuff around you two."
"Mama's happy," Jerome said abruptly, sounding more like a grown man than a 16 year old boy, "We're all very happy."
"Mais oui, I'm certain you are, but you do not know everything that goes on."
"Like what?" I asked.
Pauline shrugged and looked at us with a glint in her eye like she knew something that we did not.
"It's unfortunate that you two are now old enough to notice these things, and yet you turn a blind eye to it. You see what you wanna see. But the truth is what unbinds you."
"You're talkin' in riddles," Jerome said.
"You haven't wondered what's been bothering your mother lately, Noelle?"
"Mama is happy," Jerome said again. I looked from my brother to Pauline and back to my brother again. I realized that they both knew something I did not.
"You know that she is not, Jerome. How could anybody be happy after that?"
"You're talkin' nonsense again like you always do," Jerome said.
"What's going on?" I asked, my voice quavering. Pauline looked at me, her mouth open like she was about to say something, but held back.
"Nothing Noelle," Jerome said quickly, "C'mon, let's get back to the house."
"Your Daddy is a cheater, Noelle," Pauline said, "He's a lying cheater."
"Pauline, you stop that!" Jerome cried, his finger in her face as she sat there, her bony legs crossed, her wrinkled mouth pursed into a straight line.
"What?" I grasped onto my skirt, and struggled to comprehend what was quickly unfolding before me. I looked at Jerome. His face was flushed and his eyes glistened with stubborn tears. I tried to look for reassurance in him - Pauline was just talking foolishly, as she always did - but he glared at her as if she had betrayed him.
"I said c'mon," Jerome turned to me. He grabbed my elbow and began leading me towards the hall.
I refused to go and stood over Pauline, "How could you say any of that!? You're lying and I know it! Tell her Jerome! She's lying!"
"No, darling. You ask your brother. He caught him in the act."
Jerome's face was redder than a beet. "Goddamit, you always have to ruin everything!" He said viciously through clenched teeth.
"The girl deserves to know," Pauline leapt from her chair and stood erect. She was proud of what she had done.
Jerome wouldn't let go of my arm. I began to cry.
"I'll bet you've told God and everyone by now," he said. "You can't keep nothin' to yourself."
"I knew what he was up to," Pauline said, "I saw him down there. He was in them bars. Mon Dieu! What was I supposed to do? I told your Mama so that she'd know him for who he really was."
"You're lying," I heard myself saw again, "Why would you say that about my Daddy? All you do is lie and the devil hates liars."
"Your Daddy is the liar. Ton pere est le diable!" She said hatefully.

I jerked myself away from my brother's grasp and rushed quickly by her, shoving her out of my path with my elbow. Pauline went tumbling to the floor, and her head caught the edge of the coffee table.
"Jesus Noelle!" Jerome hollered as I got to the front door. I stood on the threshold, holding the storm door half open as I listened for sounds coming from my aunt. She was silent, and I turned slowly to see Jerome standing over her, and calling to her, imploring her to wake up.
"Jerome, is she alright?"
"I don't know, "Jerome bent down over her and listened for breathing.
"Jerome!" I cried, hot tears coming quickly to my eyes as I rushed back into the living room,
"Well, is she alright?"
"She ain't breathin'," he said. My eyes wandered all over the darkening room in desperation. The sun was setting and the shadows had begun to grow along the walls. I quietly prayed she wasn't dead.
"Cut on some lights in here," Jerome ordered and with shaking hands I managed to turn on a lamp next to the sofa. He bent over her and listened to her heart.
"Nothing," he said. He looked up at me with his sorrowful gray eyes, "I think she's dead."
"Oh God no!" I cried and collapsed onto the floor next to her. I heaved wretched sobs, nearly choking myself in grief and fear. I had killed my Aunt.
"It was an accident," Jerome said quietly. "It was just an accident."
I could not breathe. My stomach churned and my skin crawled.
"I'm gonna call an ambulance," Jerome said, his voice far away, "And I will tell them that she fell. And we found her this way."
"I killed her!" I cried frantically. I couldn't get a hold of myself, "I killed her and I will have to pay for it!"
Jerome came to me and began to shake me by the shoulders, "Shut up Noelle, shut up! It was an accident, you hear me?"

He went for the phone in the kitchen. I heard him wind the rotary for the operator. I sat still on the floor, my legs folded beneath me, my arms hugging my waist. I looked over Pauline who lied there motionless. Her head was turned away from me, and her bony body was twisted grotesquely in the opposite direction. I had never seen a dead person before but I had not imagined it would look like this. She appeared as though she were merely asleep, but I dared not touch her.

Jerome and I waited quietly on the front porch. I stood leaning on a chipped pillar, my eyes all swollen with tears.
"Now, when they get here, don't you say anything. I'll take care of it," he said.
I did not reply, but listened to the crickets' loud refrain and the bullfrogs bellowing and the poule d'eaus barking as they flew over the bayou. They were all witnesses to the truth, but could never speak of it. The truth was unbearable.
The idea that my father had cheated still weighed so heavily on my soul, despite what had happened to Pauline. I could not fathom it; my father, who was so loving towards us and who worked so hard to see us through all the good times and bad, who seemed to adore my mother, was a cheater. How could that be possible?
"Jerome," I said finally after what had seemed like an eternity, "Is it true?"
Jerome didn't answer at first, but he finally said, "Yes. It is true."
I began to sob again. Pauline had for once told the truth, and I had refused to believe her.

"Mama and I had noticed he didn't come home right after work some nights," Jerome said, steadily, "And then Pauline told Mama she saw Daddy down in Bayou d'Etienne one night as she was leaving church. You know nothing escaped that woman's eyes. So one night Mama made me go into town to try to find him, while you were asleep. That was the same night we told you he was down at Uncle Ben's helping him fix his truck."
"Did you find him?" I asked, already assuming what the answer would be.
"Yes. I looked all over and finally found his truck down near the river. And he was in it, with a woman. I did not confront him. I went home. Mama wouldn't leave me alone. She knew I had found him but I tried to pretend like I hadn't seen him. But she pried it out of me. And then she must have told Pauline. And...damn it, that woman couldn't keep her mouth shut! We wanted to keep it from you as long as we could. I know how much you adore Daddy."
"What's Mama gonna do?" I asked. I turned to see that my brother was sitting on the steps, looking out over the muddy front lawn overgrown with kudzu vines and weeds.
"Nothing. She ain't gonna do nothing, Noelle. What can she do? It's better if she never knew what he was doin in the first place."
"The truth is what unbinds you."
"So they say."

I sat down next to him and laid my head on his shoulder. I felt like crying, but knew that I couldn't. Everything had fallen apart right in front of me, in such a short time. My brother was the only person who I could trust, and now we were caught in over our heads. I was responsible for Pauline's death, and we were planning to lie to get away with it, and we could get away with it, but it didn't seem fair.
"We have to tell the truth, Jerome. It was an accident, but we must tell the truth."
"I know," he said quietly.

I latched onto his arm. We sat quietly as night enclosed around us, and the mosquitoes started to bite. The lightning bugs danced over the lawn and in the trees. The porch light flickered on, and moths and gnats began to gather. Out of the humid air came the sirens of an ambulance coming down Rue de Chapelle. As I heard them my heart threatened to leap out of my chest. I came to an awful realization.
"I never thanked her for my present," I whispered into the still night, but the animals of the world did not care to listen.

*Bayou d'Etienne is a fictional town...

Island

2009-04-30T21:32:00.001-07:00

Island, a short story by Theresa Mattiello
Clyde woke extra early on a Tuesday, and silently slipped on his work shirt and a pair of worn out jeans. Every morning before he left for his trip he opened the drawer and stared at the new pair of Wrangler’s his wife had given him last Christmas. But he always ended up wearing the same old pair that were fraying around the seams and were so faded they had turned the color of an October sky.
He noticed something about his outfit was missing. His name tag must have fallen off in the dryer. He retrieved the old banged up thing, and pinned it to his shirt. It was oval shaped, and in red cursive letters his name was spelled out, reminding him of a Coca-Cola label: Clyde.
He whistled as he went into the kitchen. He opened every cabinet, although he knew the cereal was in a small cupboard next to the stove. It was as if he was expecting a Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast to pop out of the cabinet, and he’d surely have the best breakfast ever.
But he made do with a bowl of Raisin Bran and a glass of cold milk. Although there was already milk in his cereal he always needed extra on the side to wash it all down. He took a seat in his easy chair. The old thing creaked beneath his weight. He watched the morning silently arrive through his living room window. A hummingbird danced around the nectar feeder Louise had put out. He was always amused that those little birds could always be so quick and productive.
A low grunt came from the corner of the living room. Charlie, the old Bassett Hound wobbled out of his hiding place and went up to meet Clyde. “Hello ol’ boy,” he said, petting the dog on the head and stroking his ears. He glanced at the clock. It was time to leave.
He packed up a few things to eat while on the road, but he knew for dinner he’d end up eating fast food. He would be back in only a few days, and Louise would cook something special on Thursday night in lieu of his arrival. She always did.
He headed out the door, not pausing to go to the bedroom to wake his wife and tell her goodbye. She had already had a rough night anyway. Five times, maybe more, she woke him up to tell him to quit snoring. He was surprised to find that she was still sleeping beside him when he woke up. She often tiptoed into Davy’s room – now the guest room – to get some uninterrupted sleep. Clyde tried everything, even those nose strips, but nothing seemed to work out just yet. Lord knows he couldn’t afford to see a doctor about it.
The drive to the truck yard was quiet. He left the radio off and put the window down so he could feel the cool spring breeze filter into the car. He hoped that when he got there everything would be ready to go and he wouldn’t have to wait around.
Upon arriving, he spotted his truck, a black rig with “Riley & Sons Trucking Inc.” painted in white sparkly paint on the doors. But there wasn’t a trailer attached as he had hoped. Looks like I’m gonna have to do all this today, he thought.
He pulled into the yard but couldn’t drive in. The gate was locked. He called out from his car: “Open the gate, Pete!”
Pete Riley’s head peaked around the corner inside the office, disappeared, then reappeared again. He came to the front door.
“Open the gate, Pete!” Clyde called again.
“You’re gonna have to come inside, Clyde.”
Clyde backed up and parked in the lot next to the office and went in. Something just wasn’t right, and he could feel it.
“Come on in, sit down,” Pete said in his slow drawl.
“What’s goin’ on Pete?”
Pete Riley looked at Clyde over his glasses and said, “Clyde, I was meaning to call you but I knew you’d get here early enough. I don’t – I don’t have anything for you today…”
Clyde was confused, and after a short pause said, “You let me drive all the way up here to tell me that?”
Pete furrowed his brow, “No, Clyde, what I mean to say is…I don’t have anything for you to haul – ever. I have to…let you go.”
Clyde felt Raisin Bran rise to the back of his throat. “Pete,” he croaked, “I need this job.”
“I know, Clyde, I know. Times are rough on everybody. We had to let someone go.”
“Did I do something wrong, Pete?” Clyde asked, his face all flushed as if someone had whacked him across the face with a hot iron. He was a one million miles safe driver. He attended all of the safety meetings. He was always the first to the yard in the morning, and the first to come in after a long haul. He took good care of his truck. He filled the logbooks out accurately. He always arrived at his destinations on time, and frequently with time to spare. Trucking was his life.
“Clyde, you didn’t do a damn thing wrong. The other guys got seniority on you. That’s all they got. You’re a great driver. And we’re gonna miss havin’ you on the crew. There’s other trucking companies – big companies – that are hiring in Durham, some in Greenville, not too far from here. I can get you a list…”
But Clyde was done listening.
He arrived home only an hour and a half after he had left. Louise was outside in her garden next to the house. He wondered how he would tell her and what she would say.
“You’re back early,” she said as he got out and slammed the door shut. He walked past her into the house.
“Clyde,” she went inside behind him, her tiny frame dominated by his massive size in their cramped hallway. He went straight to their bedroom, and sat on the bed, slowly removing his shoes.
Louise stood nervously in the doorway. She had already guessed without him needing to say anything.
“You got fired?”
Clyde nodded, “Caught me by surprise.”
She began to wring her hands.
“Well what are you gonna do?”
“Let me be depressed today Louise. Then I’ll wake up early tomorrow and drive to Durham.”
“What’s in Durham?”
“A list. Pete gave me a list. Somebody’s gotta hire me, right?”
Louise sighed heavily, “Lord, I pray someone does. My disability ain’t enough to cover both of us.”
Clyde stared at his face in the mirror, “You ever just…wish you lived on an island somewhere. And you always had food and shelter and never had to work for nothin’?”
“I dream that a lot,” Louise said, sitting down on the edge of the bed next to her husband of almost 35 years. “Only that island would be Topsail Island and I would spend all day looking for seashells.”
“I would spend all day fishing,” Clyde added.
“We’d walk on the beach every night,” said Louise.
“Eat oysters and crab legs at that one seafood place just off the bridge there. Remember that place?”
“Oh of course,” Louise replied.
Clyde pulled her to him. “My God what a time we’d have. Remember on our honey moon…”
“Yes I do, Clyde.”
They sat in silence in their bright bedroom and the minutes crawled by like hours. The cookoo bird left its roost to signal the passing of one hour to the next, and the loud churning of the clock’s gears broke the silence.
“Are you thinking about me getting a new job?” Clyde asked her.
“No,” she said, “I was thinking about that island.”

Casey's Ward - The First Paragraphs

2009-04-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

Casey’s Ward

In town there was a scaffold and from the scaffold hung a rope, with a large loop that was fit over a man’s head and tightened around a man’s neck and they called it the law. Christian McIver eyed the scaffold each time he and his uncle, John Casey, rode into town on business and he knew what it meant. He had once faced the noose, when he was around 15 years old. His mother, John Casey’s sister, had died, and his father was gone. Casey rode all day and all night, a hard ride, to reach his nephew. He bargained with the law there in Buxton, where the boy was held, and brought him back to his ranch 90 miles northwest to start new. In Cerillos, no one knew Christian, but his Uncle had built up such a mighty reputation for him, that Christian was beginning to forget those long months of stealing for food, and hiding from the Deputy in folks’ barns.
But he saw the noose and saw it for what it was; a symbol of power over the misfortunate and the misdirected; the thieves and the murderers; the rapists and the lechers; and unfortunately, over people like him, who seemed to always be caught in the thick of it. He never saw himself as a bad man, he just did what was right by him – to survive. They had come and taken his father’s ranch and all the livestock. Every last penny was stripped from his name, and yet they had wanted to hang him for shooting a man in defense of it? Casey had to have bribed them a hefty sum to get them to let the boy go. That dead man was so beloved in Buxton.
And now Christian revered his uncle. He worshipped his every word and his every move. For no one Christian had ever known was as good of a man as John Casey.

*Just the first couple paragraphs...tell me what you think *

My Favorite Bearded Fellows

2009-02-22T22:29:00.000-08:00

HONORING THE BEARD: A Tribute to Facial Hair's Finest Contributers

Okay, here's my belated beard blog!

I love beards. I love men who can sport a beard. Beards are not meant for everyone, but for those few that it actually compliments, there are women like us to appreciate them!

But, I feel it is necessary to pay homage to some fellows who I feel would be lost without their scruffy manes! So here we go, the top ten bearded fellows! (Well I know some GREAT beards in real life, but these are all famous or semi-famous guys!)

10. Emile Hirsch

While he hardly ever sports a beard in other movies or on the red carpet, I have to say, his beard in Into the Wild was very hot. Although he never allowed it to get too wild and shaggy, it still was a beard, and that's all that mattered. Actually, I don't care too much for Hirsch when he is beardless...I really think the beard adds to his appeal. But then again, I am not his girlfriend, and I cannot tell him what to do with his facial hair! So be it Emile, you land at number 10!

9. Ashton Kutcher

Again, here's another "pretty boy" who rarely pays homage to the beard. Although, he seems to sport one pretty believably. His beard reminds me of my boyfriend's beard...not a lot growing between the bottom lip and the chin, but still a thick and thriving mane around the frame of the face. I think Ashton would look good wearing this look more often - although he is quite handsome clean shaven as well, as seen in The Guardian.

8. Tony Dekker

Tony Dekker is the lead singer and guitar player for the Canadian band Great Lake Swimmers. His poetic lyrics and ethereal, almost melancoly voice is what first caught my attention. His beard is not too shabby either. When I think of Canadian men, I'm always expecting them to be proud wearers of beards, so Tony Dekker is no exception. Though, he does keep it awfully short, it has no effect whatsoever on his tremendous talent, and his love affair with music that almost transcends reality!

7. Robert Redford (as Jeremiah Johnson)

Well, although Robert Redford has aged tremendously (yes, I know he is old enough to be my grandfather), his protrayal of Jeremiah Jones in The Ballad of Jeremiah Jones called for him to wear a very becoming beard! There's something thrilling in witnessing a man denoucing society and wandering off into the wilderness, becoming "wild" in appearance as a result. Makes you wonder what all he has seen and done...what stories could he tell? Not only is his beard full and crazy but he has the 70's shag haircut to go along with it! It's simply awesome.

6. Ryan Malone

Ryan Malone used to play for the NHL Pittsburgh Penguins, and now plays for Tampa Bay. Although he always seems to have some kind of facial stubble going on, he can grow a nice thick (and red) beard! This is why I say playoff season is the best in time in NHL hockey..because of the playoff beards of course!! Players like poor old Sidney Crosby can only grow a thin moustache, but he's trying! But Ryan can sport the whole thing, and make it look good as hell! Too bad his team didn't win the Stanley Cup last year, though!

5. Gerard Butler

Gerard Butler is best known for his protrayal of King Leonidas in 300, in which he is also know for having that wicked awesome beard! But in real life, Gerard does like to sport the beard, and it looks very good on him, even if it is speckled with a few gray hairs here and there. But he's aging beautifully! The Scotsman is still a rising star in Hollywood, but don't think you've seen the last of him, and his sexy beard!

4. Ryan Reynolds

I can remember seeing only one Ryan Reynolds film, and that was National Lampoon's Van Wilder, which I thought was only mildly funny. However, this guy is an absolute hunk when it comes to sporting a beard! To be able to grow a beard like that, he must be Canadian. *Goes to check IMDB.com* Wow, I'm right! He's from Vancouver, British Columbia! What are the odds of that? Well I might have to check out the remake of the Amityville Horror, in which he protrays good ol George Lutz and a dark and sexy beard!

3. Brad Pitt

I don't really care too much about Brad, but I do like that beard he had back when he was married to Jen Aniston. Am I the only girl who likes that beard?

2. Ryan Gosling

What could I say about this Canadian hunk? What I will say is that he should be tied up and beaten if he ever truly thinks he looks better clean shaven! I mean, Rachel McAdams might think he's cuter with a smooth babyface, but I don't, and I'm sure most of his female fans don't either! Just want to say, in the Notebook, he was HOOOOTTT...and the way he was all hurt and pining inside...made it all the better!

1. AND....YOU CANNOT FORGET...

Grizzly Adams!

Come on! Did you think I'd end this countdown without including him?! Grizzly Adams did have a beard!!

AND THE FINALE!

HERE IS THE HONORARY BEST BEARD IN THERESA'S ACTUAL REAL LIFE....

Jeremiah Paddock! Awesome beard dude!

I have a few more guys in Greensboro that I seriously could add, but alas I do not have their pictures and/or permission to use their names on here. But they should know who they are!

The End!

Where the Spice Is

2009-01-28T17:27:00.001-08:00

In April of 2003 my Dad and I took a trip to New Mexico. By the time we had reached Albuquerque, we were absolutely starving. Being in the spirit of arriving in a new and unfamiliar place, we decided to venture down to the old part of town to find some authentic Southwestern food, said to be the best of all Latin cuisine, and by far the spiciest. Dad and I are the type of people who would bet each other to consume whole jalapeno or habanera peppers without seeking the refuge of a glass of water. So we were up for anything.
We found an interesting restaurant flanking the old square; its walls were made of mostly adobe and it was painted a light pink hue, like many of the buildings in town. We entered and were greeted by friendly waiters, who quickly had us seated.
We had only a brief moment to scan the dining room. It was under low light, and on the tables were blood hued glass candleholders, like those seen in a church. There were murals and paintings on the walls depicting Southwestern life, obviously influenced heavily by the Spanish.
I figured I couldn’t go wrong with quesadillas since I am a huge fan of them, and I assumed my lunch would represent Mexican food as we know it on this side of the border. I expected mild spiciness, however what I did receive was something more scorching hot than I could have imagined.
The dish was in fact not your typical Mexican plate, in which ingredients appear to be haphazardly thrown together in a careless fashion. The chefs had made art in how they situated the quesadilla halves, and the rice that came along with it. The smell was spicy and inviting, and as my stomach began to rumble even louder, I couldn’t wait to dig in.
First bite, I entered into a realm of bursting flavor. Every bit of the dish – the meat, the tortilla, the cheese, the onions – was perfectly seasoned and required no further “aid” from salt or pepper or hot sauce. And then, as I chewed, an intense fire began to grow in my mouth. I quickly reached for the glass of water waiting patiently before me.
With every bite, my sinuses began to open and my eyes watered and my tongue burned. I went through eight glasses of water at least! However, what might actually surprise you is that I absolutely enjoyed the food, and it was without a doubt some of the best cuisine I have ever tasted! So kudos to the Southwest for having eye-popping, hell-raising, ultimately delicious food! You can bet that we had a fantastic time in the Enchanted State!

Is this a Ghost?

2009-01-22T20:51:00.000-08:00

Maybe? Maybe not?

A Century of Tyranny

2009-01-06T22:04:00.000-08:00

This is a video Jordan and I made that highlights some of the darkest hours in 20th century history. From Nazism to the Kosovo crisis, Congolese turmoil to Communism in China, we've complied some pictures and set them to Linkin Park's "Crawling," which goes quite well with the subject matter. I hope we get to make more videos in the future!

Die Sonne Scheint Noch (The Sun Still Shines)

2008-12-29T22:40:00.000-08:00

I went to see Valkyrie the other day, starring Tom Cruise, which is about the plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler, and became completely intrigued with the knowledge that there were many Germans, even those of elevated rank in the military and political spheres, who were completely against Hitler and his fascist ideals and harsh brutality. You never hear about these unsung heroes who went against their own country's leader, and risk their lives to stop Hitler from destroying Europe, and Germany in particular.

Germany is a beautiful country, rich in culture and heritage, steeped in centuries of history dating back to Germanic and Barbarian tribes who first inhabited the region. The people are proud and have been for a long time. There is no question that Germany was made vulnerable after World War I. Their pride was tarnished, their country devestated and their people poor and desperate for the power and pride they once owned. Hitler was able to manipulate the masses, and used their zest for pride to launch himself into the center of the politics in Berlin, and ultimately becoming their dictator. You cannot blame the German people for believing they found an answer in Hitler, but you can blame them for still supporting him (or at least pretending to support him) when neighbors of different races and ethnicities and religions were stripped of their homes, rights, and lives. But there were still few who dared to lift their voices up and be heard, or at least attempted to take action when action was most needed.

Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg

"Valkyrie" is centered around Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, who should be (and is, especially in Germany) heralded as a hero today, and his attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler by planting a bomb inside of a briefing room at the Wolf's Lair, Hitler's high security military compound. Stauffenberg wasn't alone in the conspiracy. He was a part of a resistance group that's goal was to initiate a coup that would overthrow the Nazi regime. While Stauffenberg and others like him were unsuccessful in their attempts, it is at least concerting to know that Germans were trying to make a difference. Many were against Hitler's extermination policies, while others saw him as essentially the enemy to none other than Germany herself. These Germans felt that Hitler had perverted the traditions and principles of the German race. Stauffenberg himself could not imagine his children growing up under the regime of Hitler. Today, we can not even begin to imagine what the world would be like had Hitler never been defeated.

Hans Scholl, Sophie Scholl, and Christoph Probst

A passive resistance group, the White Rose, was lead by four Munich students and their professor. One of the students was Sophie Scholl, who outwardly protested Hitler's regime. Her and her fellow members distributed leaflets imploring others to outwardly, but peacefully, protest the Nazis. The crew was caught distributing leaflets at the University of Munich and were executed by guillotine. Her last words were "Die Sonne scheint noch" (the sun still shines) - and her ending speech was: "How can we expect righteousness to prevail when there is hardly anyone willing to give himself up individually to a righteous cause? Such a fine, sunny day, and I have to go. But what does my death matter, if through us thousands of people are awakened and stirred to action?"

In the movie Valkyrie, General Trescow says to Colonel Stauffenberg: "God promised Abraham that he would not destroy Sodom if he could find ten righteous men... I have a feeling that for Germany it may come down to one." Someone, even the smallest person, had to stand up to Hitler even if it meant defeat. This should be a warning to us today to not allow another Hitler to take over through means of manipulation and fear. We should all be willing to stand united against another potential catastrophe to ever occur again.

It could have happened anywhere, and has already and still does today. When I think of Germany I do not want images of swastikas and concentration camps to fill my mind, but they always will. Hitler destroyed his country's image forever. No one will ever see Germany any different ever again, which is very sad in my opinion. Germany's dark past will follow it into oblivion, like an individual's shadow. Hitler did not love Germany. Hitler destroyed Germany, and that is exactly why the resistance sought to end his rule long before Europe (and especially Germany) had been ravaged by war.

We have to be on our guards. We must learn from the past. Another Hitler could rise amongst us, and can manipulate us to think that things will improve when in reality things will just fall apart. This can even happen in America. How do you know it is not already happening? If it does, what will you do to stop it?

The Truth About Nature

2008-12-24T21:07:00.000-08:00

I live in a house that sits back off the road just outside the city limits. The property used to be a working farm. We still grow things like corn, tomatoes, okra, green beans, and squash, among other vegetables, but the soil is so infertile in places that most of the terrain is useless. However, the woods behind us still grow and the wildlife within those woods is ever present. I feel much more in tune with nature here than I ever had while growing up in a middle-class suburbian neighborhood in the backyard of Washington, D.C. But there is still something that separates me from the wild here. Well, for one, it could be this wall that sits just behind me and the window that is shut to the cold rainy night. I don't venture into those woods very often during the colder seasons. I mostly like to traverse back towards our creek in the middle of summer in search for turtles and frogs, and perhaps even wade into the water that's only knee-high deep. As much as I enjoy hiking and camping I never once stayed a night in a tent in those once-quiet woods. Now, I do not even enjoy walking down into the woods on trails that members of my family have blazed through towards the creek, because a few of our neighbors seem to think its fun to shoot guns all day at God knows what.

I've heard the scream of a bobcat from my bedroom which faces the woods and it terrified me to the core. And once I saw a flock of wild turkeys emerging from the woods and rounding our pond to reach their next destination. We have wild heron fly across our front yard and stop at our pond to search for fish to eat. Deer leap across our yard in the dark of night, and very rarely in the early morning (and we also see them dead on the side of the road). And of course, its the season for Canadian Geese to also stop by, and torment our dogs, of whom they have no qualms about chasing off with their rude beaks. We call them "Canadian Tourists" because they act just like tourists coming down from Ontario and Quebec, who lay out in bikinis and swimming trunks at Wrightsville or Carolina Beach in the middle of winter, while the rest of us walk by, bundled up and puzzled at their indifference to the biting wind coming off the sea. The geese have no problems lounging around on our pond when it is below freezing and the pond is partially frozen. I love where I live, and I love how quiet it is at nighttime. Sometimes when I am here alone I can become a little uneasy. The woods are peaceful, yet daunting at the same time. What beauty does it hold but also what danger hides within? Nature is something I am inherently facinated with. Nature knows no boundaries. These woods would one day overtake us if we didn't work hard to keep it in its place. We have to labor intensively to make sure our vegetables grow in the summer. The bugs come, and the early rot comes, and the weeds threaten to snuff the life out of everything we work so hard to grow. My aunt had a terrible run-in with summer storms this past year. Her corn had grown high and she was excited about the harvest, but a strong storm with a tumultous downdraft blew her stocks over. She and my boyfriend had to labor for hours to get some of them to stand back up, and some they had to tie to stakes just to give them a chance.

Nature knows no boundaries. Nature does not play by any rules.

I want to be in Nature and experience it every day of my life, but I worry. Nature is something that you cannot trust. You can never expect Nature to give you the answer, and Nature does not always provide. Nature is also unpredictable.

Thank goodness Nature also has a pattern. We know that when the wind begins to blow harder and the sky turns black, it is going to storm. Therefore, we also know that it would be wise to take shelter. People have studied Nature long enough to see the signs of a coming drought, and we've harnessed technology to predict the weather. We can tell when a hurricane is coming a week or so in advance.

But there are some things about Nature we will never be able to predict or control. There are things that can destroy everything we know. I am sheltered from nature by these walls and that window as I sit and type this, but when it comes to Nature, am I ever really safe? A tornado could overtake this house and destroy everything, and there would be nothing any of us could do to stop it.

I am not suggesting that humans be disdainful of Nature, because Nature is what governs this entire planet. We should have a love for Nature and the fruits of Nature. We should also be respectful of Nature as well. Nature won't always reciprocate our appreciation, but at least we could come away with a different perspective.

We should fear Nature when it demands to be feared. We should love Nature when it longs to be loved.

Merry Christmas

Tomorrow: My Favorite Bearded Fellows