Friday, January 7, 2011

Been awhile

Well I tried to make a new blog but I'm too lazy and too impatient to design and maintain a new one, so I'm back, and gonna remodel. Well, by the time you see this it will have undergone remodeling. Exciting.
Well so much has seriously changed since last time I wrote here. I have a new boyfriend. Well, I've been very close to him since April but just this fall we made it "official" I guess. Our relationship just kinda began without either of us really being able to define the point when it started. So I'm happy with that, I waited on this dude for a while and finally am happy to say it worked out for the both of us. I just convinced him to make a blog so now I'm fixing my own blog, forgetting all about it for a few months as people with even marginally busy lives tend to do.
Well anyway, I've just noticed I start pretty much every paragraph with "Well.." but I'm not about to go back and change it. Sorry if that bothers you. So, I ended last semester with flying colors. Yeah, flying colors. This was the first year of college I've had that I made a grade lower than a B. And I made a C+ and a D. Can't believe that shit. This semester, I'm hoping things are better. I will be taking classes in-class again, instead of online, so that may make a difference. No more online classes for me thanks, unless I absolutely have to take one. I can't keep up with them.
I also got a new job at Ruby Tuesdays. It kinda sucks, but the people are nice and I've made friends with some of them already. I hope I won't have to stay there for long. I'm thinking 6 months at the least. Then hopefully I will have found something that pays significantly better. But we know how that goes..rabble rabble blah blah blah.
So winter has kinda got me down, but I'm trying to fight it. I mean it's only January and we got at least three more months of cold, but usually by mid-February I have spiraled into madness looking forward to that and I am sure my boyfriend and other people who are constantly around me are gonna be so so happy to be in my presence. Don't worry though, it goes away by the time my birthday rolls around (March 29). That's when the world begins to feel warm and lovely again. And when the sun stays up longer and longer, my mood lightens. I have no clue how people live in Alaska or Iceland or Norway. Fuck that.
I don't think I've written since the end of the summer. The summer was PRETTY lame...didn't do anything with music or creativity WHATSOEVER. I mean, summer is a time to relax and go to the beach and tan, I did plenty of that, but I could have used my time more wisely. I was glad that I came back from Wilmington. Shit was lame and I left some pretty important untied ends back in Greensboro that I couldn't abandon. Life leads you on a pretty insane ride sometimes. Well since I've been back it's been nice and pretty stress free living with N dawg, and his dog, who has become my dog, but I think it's only cause I crave furry in my life, and when I'm around a furry I adopt it as my own furry. And we've established that I'm her "step-mom" which is weird, but pretty hilarious. My friend moved back to Maryland so life has been pretty gray without her to hang with and talk to. A lot of people I used to hang with on the reg have skipped town. Now I'm meeting a whole new group of people, the Rubys people. I like them all, but it takes a little bit to get to know people. Not that I'm cautious, it's just I have a need to surround myself with exceptional, and slightly strange, people.
Well hopefully I won't forget to keep up with this again. I'm not even sure why I keep a blog...but maybe it's for my own piece of mind. I feel like no one listens half the time to me, so I should probably just listen to myself.

Friday, September 24, 2010


So I've spent the last half hour reading a few peoples' blogs, including Jeremy's and Emily's blogs about China, and I'm getting a real itch to go off and discover somewhere completely new and crazy. I guess most people call this the travel bug. Ever since I went to the Philippines I've been sort of having a post-adventure depression that reoccurs every so often. Right now I'm going through a baaaaaad case of it, particularly since I haven't been anywhere out of town for several months. I feel kind of lame. I actually got a new job and it's been particularly stressful because I've had to memorize so much (it's a serving job, so I have to know the menu). And I dropped one of my classes so that's bummed me out a little. It's just going to push me back, and it'll take longer to get finished and get to my ultimate goal of joining the Peace Corps and getting the hell out of here for a while.
I think I need to take a vacation at some point. But I don't really have money. Also I really want to try to buy a temper pedic bed because I barely sleep well at night so that'll definitely cost me a good chunk of change. I haven't been in contact with the fam really, which bothers me but I just never get around to it. I only ever really talk to my mom. I miss my husky that I gave away a few months ago. I feel like I'm in limbo with the love life. I've hurt a lot of people along the way. I just feel crowded. I feel like I need to escape and go off somewhere on a hiatus, incognito, for a few years. I know that wouldn't solve any problems here at home, but at least removing myself from the picture will patch things over for a bit. But damn it, I have to finish school first!! ughhh.
So this post is pretty down in the dumps sounding. I'm sorry. Maybe it's my time of the month soon or something. I usually get a little depressed around this time. Maybe I just need to jump in the car and go shopping. I dunno. Hopefully will have happier news soon!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'm fallin...

I am glad to say I freed myself today from all regrets and bad memories. I am now going to live my life a happier person because I deserve it. I need to learn that I may not know what is in store for my life down the road but I am going to trust in myself and power higher than me to lead me in the right direction. I'm not going to worry anymore because it helps no one to have a troubled mind. I wrote everything down that had been bothering me, stuff that's been with me pretty much my whole life, and more recent bullshit that's been tugging at my very soul. Then I tore it up and threw it far away. Now, I don't acknowledge these bad aspects of my life. That part of my life is over, and the new part is about to begin. This new life is the life in which I get a job I love, I finish school with flying colors, I enter the peace corps or go teach overseas or do something incredibly awesome with the young years I have left. This may be the life in which I meet and fall in love with someone incredibly special, or maybe not yet, maybe that's years ahead in the future, but I cannot dwell on that aspect. I just have to stay positive and know that everything is going to work out. Everything happens for a reason and I just got to keep my head up and a smile on and warm open arms for people around me. I can't be depressed and sad and lethargic all the time, that's not the way to be. And I can't be a whiner either. I have to make stuff happen for me, and if other things make me sad or down and out, I have to banish them and take them with a grain of salt. Because there is nothing in this world, either person or thing, that is worth tormenting myself over and over again with no release. There is no reason to ever let oneself get to this point. I let it and it almost destroyed me. No more.

Monday, August 9, 2010

My Life Thus Far (A Long Expected Update)

Well I don't write here much cause only like five of you actually read this, but I felt for my own personal piece of mind I'd write down what's been going on and hopefully while doing so, sort out my thoughts a little. Well everyone who knows me knows I have moved back to Greensboro. It's a fucking long story that I don't even feel like going into right now, or ever again, but honestly from the experience I learned a few lessons. #1 Don't move unless you are absolutely sure you'll have a good place of employment secured. #2 Also when you move don't get into any contract that will commit you to the new place for more than 6 months. Let me explain this last one. I of course, like a moron, signed a lease for an apartment for 15 months with a complete stranger. Sadly enough, this person turned out to be extremely weird and my total opposite and (as I found out while in the process of moving out) completely insane. That leads me to #3 Don't move in with ANYONE you've met through Craiglist unless you guys are super alike and/or get along well or have known each other for a few months before actually moving in together. #4 Don't be ashamed to call it took a lot of guts for me to pull the reins in early and declare that I couldn't stand it. People in my life sort of scrutinized my actions but because it was my decision, I didn't let it get to me.
So yeah, I'm back in Greensboro now, still working at the mall, getting ready for school to start and trying to have some chill time here and there. I'm really motivated now to finish school because I have decided I wanted to try to do the Peace Corps after college, but I'm trying to keep it on the DL for now because I don't want to make a big deal about it and end up not getting to do it. But I'd definitely like to apply. I just need to time it right. Katie told me not to wait to apply when I actually finish school, so I need to apply before my last semester of college, and at this point I don't know when that will be.
In other news, I may be going to Europe next summer...shhhhhh....I might jinx it so we can't talk about it anymore.
Other than that, not a hell of a lot going on, I mean there's shit going on but nothing worth writing about.

Monday, June 14, 2010

All registered up for class!

Just finished registering for a few online classes at UNCG. I'm excited now because I can just sit back and relax for the rest of the summer, not having to worry about getting school bullshit situated. As far as the work front goes, I'm not concerned about hours. I think since I won't be physically attending school everyday during the semester I can ask to be bumped up to full time barista or at least get more hours a week. Probably about 3/4 of our staff at work will be enrolled in school so their availabilities will not be as open as mine. So for the next couple of months, as long as my mom can help me with rent, I should be good to go, and it won't hurt to visit home a few more times before august. I have to go up to UNCG anyway and buy books for my online classes. I'm very excited to start and I'm glad I get to go back in January to hopefully get on the fast track to graduation - one step closer to pursuing my music recording degree!!
I hung out with Ashley yesterday at the beach, also a Greensboro transplant here. She moved here in January and already is moving back in July. We've talked about all this and she agrees that I gotta do what is best for me. If going home to finish school is what's best then I have to go for it. We also talked about how Wilmington was not at all what we expected it to be. Well, I'm not really sure what I expected it to be, but I expected it to be awesome I'll tell you that! But in reality, it's not much more awesome than Greensboro. I think the only way it could be better is if I lived on the oceanfront, or at least a few blocks from the beach. Living where I live now, I might as well be in Greensboro, it all looks the same.
I guess I'm having a good time here. The people are cool. It just takes time to get settled in and situated. But I'm going to try to just chillax from now on. No sense in worrying about anything!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Changing my mind again, but it's all good!!!

So I'm here in Wilmington, and I've been here for about a month already. I like it alright, but I don't think I'm going to stay. I guess whoever reads this will be the first to know although I've told a very small handful of people who understand my situation. I won't be attending UNCW in the fall, that's the first thing I should say. First the financial aid they are offering is in the form of loans that I cannot afford, and only two small grants that aren't even enough to cover book costs. I thought for sure they would give me the same amount as UNCG but it's just not the case. However, UNCG offered me over 9,000 in grants this upcoming school year, so I am going to try to take some online classes to remain an active student until I am able to move back in january for the spring semester. Second, it will be easier for me to just go ahead and finish at UNCG, since all my files are there and I already know the school layout, and I won't have to attend orientation. (That's another thing about UNCW that pissed me off, they were going to charge me $75 for orientation, and for what? I've been in college three years, I think I know how it's done!) Thirdly, I really want to start the Recording Engineering degree at GTCC as sooooon as possible so I obviously would have to move back anyway. CFCC and UNCW both do not have any recording engineering or other music programs like that. However, here's the catch: I am staying in Wilmington for the next 7 months at least. Who knows? I might end up loving it here. I might find my niche and want to stay forever!! Or I may go back to uncg and finish and then move back here when I'm done. I don't know the future but I want to give this place a chance to impress me. I haven't been here long enough to say whether or not I like it. I like it as far as the beach and scenery and people are concerned, but I need to get out in the community more to see if anything spectacular is going on...something in which I can participate and make happen. I probably need to get a second job and see what that's like, and go out more and experience more...and just chill. I think it's good that I'm not going to be attending school here right now. I'm feeling it out, and maybe if I do end up staying for good I can look into going to the college. It's like a trial run. I'm scouting out the new territory. I think it's so much better to do it this way then to wait until I'm married with kids and am forced to move somewhere for a job. With no attachments, it's easy to feel a place out and see whether or not it suits me.
In about five to six months I'm going to give myself a review of this place and how I feel about it. I'm drafting up a survey that I will take both now and in five months to see where I'm at. If at five months I still want to go back and finish (and the online classes work out okay) then I'll make preparations to find a roommate replacement for me here and move back in with Jean in early January. I will live with Jean until I can find THE perfect house in Greensboro with the perfect roomie. I want to have a garden and a yard for Lola to run around in. I want to take my take searching. I'm not settling for this apartment bullshit anymore; I've been very unhappy with the apartment people here thus far. But that's another story...
It really is no big deal if I happen to move back. The biggest task would be finding someone here to replace me but I don't think that will be hard to do. There are people coming in and out of Wilmington all the time and maybe my roommate here knows someone who might be able to move in with her by that point. She's knows a good amount of people. Or she might want to terminate the lease with me and find something else. I don't think she's been very happy with this apartment either. She knows a little bit about what's going on but I don't want to tell her I'm moving back until I am absolutely sure I am. I think she probably figures I will eventually though, definitely before the end of our lease.
Maybe Wilmington is where I am meant to be and maybe it isn't. Maybe I'm meant to be somewhere as far away as Seattle or maybe I'm meant to be in Asheville...who the hells knows at this point? I wish I hadn't moved but at the same time I'm glad I did. I am learning more about myself than I've ever known. And everyday unfolds a new lesson. And if anything, I just need some time out of college to think for a hot minute; I'm so burnt out by the past three years of college. I'm supposed to be done this next year, you know!!! But that's definitely not happening this coming spring!! But it's ok, the way the economy is going I'm trying to drag it out as long as I can and also after I am done with college I'm going to travel a bit, maybe hit up San Fran, Seattle, Santa Fe (again), Atlanta, Austin or *maybe* Asheville! :) Then I want to jump right into Recording Engineering. I'm so full of life and excitement right now that I'm having a good time despite my predicament. I know that whatever happens is going to be for the best, things have a way of putting themselves together!
So for right now I'm just going to sit back and chill and just try to have fun here in Wilmington for the remainder of 2010. If I catch myself worrying then I will kick my own ass. There is no sense in worrying over circumstances that cannot be helped. The worse thing I could do is do nothing. And I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and/or wants me to do...because it's MY life! So I'm going do exactly what I want when I want!! Thank God I have this unlimited freedom. The possibilities are endless. Lots of doors are getting ready to open, I can feel it. I'm excited, a little apprehensive but ready to do this! I'm just glad I have plenty of time! I'll write back to give updates. I feel better now than I have in months!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sometimes you can make it on your own...

Well I'm still going to Wilmington but this time...I'm going alone. Well..alone as in, no other human companions, but my husky is going with me.
And really, I'm not scared of going alone. I know I'm going to have to work extra hard to make ends meet, but I need to prove to myself that I can make it on my own. I don't want to be relying on someone else all the time.
Jordan needs to live on his own too. We've been together since high school, and this is our first apartment together. But I think we both need some time to go out on our own and explore the world by ourselves, without each other to fall back on. We need our own sets of friends, we need our own goals, we need our own lives separate of each other. This is to prove that we are TRULY adults and can do it absolutely alone if need be. Because we might not end up together in the end.
Honestly, I'm really excited. It will be weird the first few weeks without knowing a SOUL but eventually I will meet people through work, school and daily interactions. I kind of like this because I won't know anyone and they won't know me. It's like I'm starting out fresh.
So anyway, I have two months left until I go. It will be hard to leave my family but I know in the end everything will turn out ok. I may love it, I may hate it. But I'll never know until I try.

Monday, February 8, 2010

So close, but so far away...

Well, it's February and we're chugging on towards the final date of our move to Wilmington. I'm really excited, but at the same time very apprehensive. I can't tell you how irritating it is to not have "definites" about this I mean, there is no definite that we will get our current apartment rented out in time, or that we will have a place to move to, or jobs to go to. However, we do have some promising prospects that have come up over the last couple of weeks. The first being that we have two people coming to look at our place on friday. They are going to be graduating from Elon and I'm assuming they have jobs in Greensboro, so they want to move. They can't move until after May 21st, which is good because we probably won't be leaving until June 1st. So, if they like the place and want to take it, we'll have one thing on our list out of the way. Also, Jordan and I are trying to transfer to Starbucks in Wilmington. One of the managers down there is best friends with Jordan's current manager. He called her today, and she seemed excited to hear from him. She said she had someone leaving at around the time we'd be coming down there, so he would have a spot. It's not completely definite (Jordan still has to file a transfer and get approved through their DM) but it's a good start, and at least she has him in mind so she won't take anyone else before him. For me, it hasn't been so lucky. I called the manager of one of the other starbuckes, and she hardly gave me the time to say who I was before she told me I had to file a transfer through their DM, and that "Nothing is done over phone anymore." Well, I could tell she really didn't want to be bothered by me. I know the process of transferring, I just wanted to know if she'd have space for me. There's no point in going through all that trouble filing transfer forms through my DM if there's not going to be any room for me. I'm kind of frustrated about it. But I figured as long as one of us gets transferred (in this case, I'm really hoping Jordan does) then I don't care. I will find another job if need be. Jordan hasn't had as many jobs as me, and he's been with Starbucks for going on three years. I just want him to stick with it. At any rate, there's plenty of places to work down there, especially since we'll be moving at the beginning of summer. I could easily see myself working at a hotel or restaurant and making just as much money, or possibly even more, than I would if I stayed with Starbucks.
Also, Jordan and I have been checking out a few apartment places down there, and there are some good deals. The only problem I'd have is not having a yard for Lola...but we're going to have to deal with what we can get. She's good at being indoors anyway, I guess since she's been raised that way. Still, I feel really sorry for her that she can't get out as much, especially during the winter. I honestly don't ever feel like going outside during the winter unless I have to.
I just honestly can't wait to move. I'm soooo tired of living in Greensboro. This place doesn't interest me anymore. I just want to go somewhere brand new where no one knows me and I don't know them. I think it's gonna be a good experience for me and Jordan, and I really believe it is going to be our home and we are going to raise kids there and live there the rest of our lives. At least, I refuse to live in Greensboro for the rest of my life. Maybe we won't stay in Wilmington forever, but we certainly are going to avoid coming back here to live.
Anyway, I guess I'm just going to lie low for a while and stop worrying about all of this. I'd say the time I should start worrying is around April, when we are getting down towards the wire. Right now, in February, it's too early to start looking for a place to live or worrying about jobs. Right now, I just need to focus on school. All else will fall in place in time. I hope...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

It's Always Something...

Well, folks, I will spare you an introduction in which I whine and complain about how boring and horrible my life is and just say what I came here to say: We're moving to Wilmington! I'm really excited about it. Jordan is really worried about it. But of course, it can't be that simple, right? Apparently, I am considered an out-of-state student for some weird reason, even though I am obviously a North Carolina resident, and at UNCG I am an in-state student. So of course, that bothered me big time and kind of cut into my celebration. So I had to email someone down there, and tell them it's a mistake, and hope to God they don't make a big scene out of it. Because I'M GOING, DAMMIT!
The worse that will happen, probably, is that they will make me re-fill out the residency form. Maybe something got fouled up on the computer, where I originally submitted my information, or maybe it didn't go through at all...very possible. Basically they said I have til the term starts to file for residency. Okay, sounds reasonable enough - obviously there is no other explanation why I would be denied in-state status, especially if another UNC state school claims me as an in-state student. Anyway...
So now we are in the brainstorming and plotting stage of our move. We decided to shoot for the first of June. We're going to have to start searching for a place probably as early as April. But it doesn't mean we can't start sooner than that, especially if we can find a good deal somewhere and just put a deposit down or something. Basically, this is what we need:
*2br & 1 or 2 bth
*Central heating/ac (electric only, no gas)
*washer/dryer and/or hookups
*Fenced-in backyard (for Lola)
*Hardwood floors/tile (no carpet)
*close to UNCW
*between $600-$700 monthly

We realize that we might not find a place to suit all our wants and needs, and that we will have to compromise on a lot of things (especially the price). Jordan and I both want to try to transfer to different Starbuckes, however, if that doesn't work out, I already vowed that I would get a new job.
As far as our lease here is concerned, Jordan's friend and his sister apparently want to take it over, although I don't necessarily trust that they are going to go through with it. If they don't, we will have to find someone who will take our lease over. That requires the help of Craigslist, and its pretty much a headache because you have to find someone you trust. Otherwise, we are stuck here until July 31st! So I told Jordan that he needs to tell them that we need to know (in writing) that they are definitely going to take our lease over, and we need to know this by at least the end of February.
Then comes the hassle of finding a new place to live. Then comes the move itself, and we are going to see if we need a uhaul. Jordan and I are planning on buying a new bed and a new couch and end tables. So if we buy these things before we move, we will more than likely need a uhaul, but maybe not a big one, just a smaller one that's cheaper to rent. My family has already agreed that they will help, and maybe we can enlist the help of some of our friends. Jordan and I really don't have too much stuff so hopefully, there won't be too much of an issue.
As far as I am concerned, I still need to apply for financial aid soon. I also need to focus on school this next semester (I haven't even gotten books!) I just can't wait for it to be warm! It's like 20 degrees today. That's way too cold! Well, anyway, I just pray to God that everything works out and falls into place like perfect puzzle pieces, even if the game of putting the puzzle together is hard and at times impossible along the way! Then, once it is finished, I can focus on the good going to the beach everyday!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Wingin' It

I realized I hadn't written in my blog in a while. I mean, I posted a story but that's it. I've been so lazy lately and I discovered Twitter which hasn't been much fun cause I only know two people on it, and the rest of the people I follow are celebrities - which is also fun because I get to read all the funny and sometimes embarrassing things they write on there. Some stuff I'm just like.. "What the hell? Why would they write something like that?" I find the funniest person on there is Kathy Griffin. She calls everyone "fellow twatters." I like that...twatter.
Anyway, so enough about that, so I was just reflecting on how stinky the apartment is at this moment. It's either something one of our neighbors is cooking or perhaps it is my boxer Bo sitting next to me. Not sure...he usually doesn't stink!
Well, folks, I'm anxiously awaiting my final grades to return so that I can finally send my transcript to UNCW. Jordan and I took a day trip to Wilmington the other day (Which, by the way, don't ever do if you don't want to spend 6 hours in a car in one day). We would have stayed somewhere, but we had to come back because I was supposed to get our husky puppy spayed the next morning. Well, it turns out we COULD have stayed in Wilmington because we didn't even get it done yesterday. We accidentally fed her and gave her water after 9pm the night before the surgery, so I had to call the next morning. They told me it was better to be safe that sorry and that we should reschedule. So now she's getting spayed three days before Christmas. What they said could happen was that what was ever in her stomach might be upset by the anesthesia and she could suffocate in her sleep. OMG! Glad I didn't let them do the surgery.
Well anyway, back to the Wilmington thing. Well, we went by the school just to check on things, and the lady told me that they had everything on file for me except my final transcript. She said as soon as they had that transcript, they would go ahead and make a decision on me. So hopefully that was positive. I see no reason why I shouldn't get grades are good. So we will just have to see. I just need to get that transcript in!!! I want to know by January.
So the deal about that, since the two of you who are reading this were wondering, is that we are, given that I get into UNCW, moving down to Wilmington probably in May or June. That depends on how long it takes us to find a decent place that will allow us to have our dogs. As far as our apartment here in Greensboro goes, apparently Alex wants to take over our lease with his sister. So if they do that, although I doubt it at this point, we should be able to go as early as May. (If they dont do it, we'll find someone else). So the good news about that is that I get to spend all summer long at the beach! All I will be doing is working and hanging out at the beach, and I think that is very appealing!
Jordan doesn't know what he is going to do. He wants to look into go to Cape Fear CC to do a criminal justice associates or the BLET. I feel bad making him leave Greensboro, but I think we've both had it with this place and need a change!
I DO know that when I move I sure as hell am not going to work for Starbucks. There's nothing wrong with the company but: 1. Wilmington is the hometown of Port City Java and it would be a slap in Wilmington's face to work for Starbucks (although Wilmington allowed four Starbuckes to open in the area, except in the downtown sector which belongs solely to PCJ), and 2. If I work at a restaurant all summer (in a vacation town, no less) think of the money I'd rake in??
Anyway, that's the plan. I don't even know if we are officially going at this point. But I hope to God we get to! I think its just something I gotta do and if it's meant to be it's meant to be!
In other news, the puppy Lola is growing up so fast! She had some roundworm problems several weeks ago but we got that promptly taken care of and she is better! I freaked out about it sooo much, but now I know that roundworms are the most common problem in puppies and almost all dogs are born with them! We also have been having flea problems with her. Our older Boxer, Bo, doesn't have any fleas on him, and she had large adult fleas living on her. However, she came with fleas when we bought her from Jordan's parents' neighbor. So we bought her some Comfortis today, and I gave it to her and within a few hours all the fleas that had been on her had hopped off and died in the floor. I had to sweep them all up when I got home. I counted ten, but there could have been more! I also brushed her and searched for remaining fleas but found none. I am really excited and I am going to keep her on that stuff so that they don't ever come back to bother her again. I have given the Boxer Comfortis before, and he has done well with it, although he's never had nearly as many fleas on him as I saw on her! It was ridiculous! But I guess with all that hair on her there were plenty of places for them to hide!
Well besides all that, Christmas is coming soon! My friend and I are going shopping tomorrow and also are having a girl's night. I'm excited also because tomorrow is my last exam and I am done for the holidays! I've just been winging my exams. I haven't even sat down to study, not once! However, I feel I have done very good on all the exams I have taken thus far. I already have one final grade back..I made an A- in History of Rock Music! Hells yeah! I'm gonna try to pass my last Bio Psy quiz (he never set up a final..all we did was take quizzes as semester) tomorrow and then I will be done with it all and never have to think about it again!

Monday, December 7, 2009


The day the Germans thundered into Vienna, Eva Berger was ponderously gazing upon a half-finished painting that she had been working on for nearly three months. To an ordinary person, the painting might have seemed somewhat simple, but hour after hour she stood there, her head crooked to the side, silently debating where to place the right amount of contrast, where to shade, where to center the focal point, what colors to use and mix. It was certainly mind-numbing work, and she felt ill at ease - not to mention she was somewhat distracted by the clamor coming from the streets. Her studio, however stimulating of an atmosphere she had tried to create, was helping little to calm her nerves enough to wield a paintbrush. In her mind’s eye, she was creating the image of a lush landscape with just the stroke of her fingertips - so beautiful and untouched by the ills of this world. Eva and her mother had spent countless summers in the Austrian hinterland, and memories of such unspoiled land inspired her to mostly paint landscapes. However, she was determined to create a masterpiece by portraying Paradise, far superior than any view found in Austria or elsewhere. If only she could be inspired just then!
Her work was finally interrupted by her younger brother Herschel, who whisked her down to the city centre to view the procession of Wehrmacht soldiers flooding the city. Like a tidal wave they poured in, their gunmetal gray uniforms flowing past in a melancholy blur. Their trucks and motorcycles sounded like distant thunder echoing off barren hills, and the planes that whizzed by kept close watch over the scene like vultures. Some people seemed happy to welcome their liberators, their arms raised in a disturbing salute, with wicked smiles spread across their faces. The Germans did not return their enthusiasm per se, but they only stared on, like puppets on strings, without the comedic gestures of an affable children’s puppet show. Herschel jittered uneasily next to his sister, and grabbed for her hand: “Eva,” he said, “What will happen now?”
“I do not know Herschel,” Eva replied. She only knew that war had come to Vienna, but she did not yet know that they were the enemies.
When the Nazis annexed Austria in 1938, the horrors began right away. First, Jews were not allowed to go to certain public places, like a café that Herschel and Eva frequented, the cinema, or the opera house. Even certain parts of the city were shut to them.
And then there were the curfews, the patrolling of streets and the random arrests, the white armband with the blue Star of David that they were forced to wear on their overcoats. Every commodity and privilege they had once known was taken from them. Many Jewish-owned businesses and factories were confiscated and closed, or sold to the highest Aryan bidder. Eva’s one room studio where she worked above an array of both Aryan and Jewish-owned offices, was taken from her, and so she had to relocate her paintings to her uncle’s bakery, where they hung proudly for a short time, until November, when his bakery was destroyed during a Nazi pogrom called Kristallnacht.
Eva, her mother, and her brother would have left the country, but they could not afford to pay for outrageous exit visas. They would have gone into hiding when they learned that Jews were being deported, but they knew no one who would be willing to hide them. When the S.S. came for them in late 1941, the Berger's assumed that the war could not go on much longer, and the Allies would find victory soon. They had much hope for the future, because they did not know anything else.
Herschel, Mrs. Berger and Eva were rounded up with all of the other unfortunate souls and were sent to Theresienstadt. Upon arriving, they found a prison - completely surrounded by fences and walls, and guarded by Nazis and their ferocious dogs. They decided to try to make do with the situation, however difficult, and Eva was able to at least garner some paper and pencils so that she could draw. They worked during the day, and were permitted to their own devices at night. Instead of sleeping, Eva sat awake vigorously drawing by the moonlight. She did not have any variation of colors to work with, but it did not matter since everything about the camp was so very gray. Her drawings were of people, were of the camp, were of the guards…anything she was inspired to record as an image rather than a paragraph, since she hadn’t the mind to keep a diary. Her art is what kept her going. It is what kept her sane.
The Germans attempted to make the prisoners seem like highly privileged inmates to the outsider, but in reality they were very much in suffering. Mrs. Berger grew wretchedly hungry, so hungry that Eva was sure her ribs would burst through her near translucent skin. Herschel returned to his sister and mother day after day warning them of possible deportations to other unknown destinations, many of them in the East. Friends they had made were growing thin as more were selected for transfers. Eva worried that Herschel or her mother would be sent without her, or she would be sent without them.
Mrs. Berger died in late 1942, almost a year after they had arrived. Night after night, and sometimes during the day, Eva plunged herself even further into her drawings. Some mornings she would wake to find that her creation from the night before was nothing more than a dark circle that she had drawn numerous times over and over again, like a black hole. It was the representation of her misery.
Eva knew there were other artists within the camp, and she was witness to some of the many interesting works they had created, all obviously related to life at Theresienstadt. Some of the Czechs called the place Terezin, and they said that “nothing grows in Terezin.” They said, “I do not see birds in Terezin.” They painted and drew pictures, and wrote songs and poems about how life ceases to thrive in Terezin - that they were existing in a lifeless void, awaiting an inescapable fate that would surely come.
In late 1943, Herschel and Eva were sent to Auschwitz. After the grueling train ride to the camp, they arrived under cover of night to the sound of shouting and barking dogs. The siblings were immediately pulled off the car without the chance to grab what little belongings they had brought. Eva tried to hold onto Herschel, but he was torn away from her. She tried to fight her way back to him but the baton of an unseen S.S. guard was bludgeoning her so hard that she had no choice but to turn away and run with the current. She never saw Herschel again.
Instead of being selected to die, Eva was sent to be washed, her head was shaved, her arm tattooed with an identification number and her body sheathed in itchy prison garb. They transferred her to Buna, in another section of Auschwitz, where she would work in a synthetic rubber factory and would live in barracks with other women laborers. She did not have any paper or pencil and had no outlet for her suffering. But she now had a new habit of keeping herself going every day. At night she laid awake, painting imaginary murals upon the otherwise lifeless ceiling and walls. The images were so vivid and the colors were so bright.
As the Red Army drew near in January, 1945, the SS began to move the prisoners, some, like Eva, were sent to other forced labor camps. On one of the coldest days Eva could remember, she was sent back to her birth place of Austria, to the camp Mauthausen, where she served again as forced labor. She was able to secure some paper and a bit of chalk but found that she could not conjure anything to memory - the ideas she had fabricated before her long ordeal at Auschwitz had begun to fade as the days grew longer and her body was growing weaker. All around her, people were starving and dying. It was like a cemetery but the corpses were upright, moving in slow motion. It was a living hell. Even the most beauteous scenes of Paradise could not erase the evil and the misery that Eva witnessed, and she was greatly changed by it.
In May, 1945, Mauthausen was liberated by the Americans. Never before had Eva seen more jubilant sick people. Many of them were so excited they leapt off of their cots and went to welcome to the victors, only to be found a short while later dead from mere exhaustion. By this time, Eva had retired to her barracks indefinitely, waiting for a miracle or death, whichever one came first. Had the Americans been any later, she may have not survived.
After weeks of waiting for any sign of Herschel, she finally received confirmation that he had been killed at Auschwitz upon their arrival from Theresienstadt. She no longer had any family, and for the first time in seven years she wanted to die.
Some months later in Britain, Eva bought a blank canvas, and looked upon it, struggling to remember how she had once envisioned Paradise. But she found that she could not. She knew then that even though art had saved her during those long years of tribulation, it had now passed away and she was left with a story to tell, in speech, in writing, but no longer in paintings or drawings. She was left with a hollow mind in which no liveliness, no color, no hope existed. She wished then that art had never been a part of her life during those years. She wished that she would have been killed, one way or another, because nothing in this world could replace Herschel, her most beloved brother. Eva was alone, and she could not escape loneliness.
She never picked up a paintbrush again.

Saturday, October 17, 2009


So here's the deal. I think me and Jordan are moving to Wilmington this upcoming summer. There are several reasons actually. Here's why. I am not liking UNCG like I previously thought I would. It has nothing to do with the school itself per se; my classes are interesting and the instructors are very intelligent and know how to teach. It's not that it's too hard or too easy or what have you, I just don't enjoy the idea that I am going to college in Greensboro, a town that leaves a lot to be desired. I feel like maybe I am selling myself a little short - that I could have a better time elsewhere, and get the full college experience. Even though I live in an apartment I'm still technically "at home" since I've lived here for the past three years already. I'm so tired of this town and even though the campus is very lovely, it all seems a little stagnant to me. These are not very good thoughts to be having my first semester in at UNCG, right? So I want to try to go to UNCW. I think I would like it there (not for the parties, although those can't hurt, right?) but just to have a change in scenery. Plus, I will be at the coast and since I am very much a beach/coastal person I would really dig that. I know I know, I will probably end up hating anywhere I go, especially since my last trip to UNCW left me with a bad taste in my mouth (but maybe that was because I was hanging around my friend who had suddenly changed since she started going there?). However, it can't be any worse than here, y'know? I'm sure there are plenty of decent people there just like there are decent people here and anywhere else you'd go. I'd make friends all the same but it'd be hard starting out, definitely!
Here's the other reason why we're trying to move. Jordan doesn't know if he will be able to finish at UNCG. Since it took him so long to decide what he would major in, he lost valuable time to get in required general credits. So now, his sociology degree is gonna take him at least another two and half years. Ridiculous I know, especially when he has to take shit that has nothing to do with what he wants to do in life. He wants to apply to Wilmington Police Department as soon as they start accepting applications again. If he gets the job, he will start making $34,000 per year, which is $3,000 more than Greensboro. I think he may try to get a Criminal Justice Associates degree, which wouldn't take him nearly as long and as expensive as finishing out his bachelors. As much as I want him too, I don't want him or his parents to just be throwing money away at something while he could technically enter the job force and start making money right away. So if he doesn't get financial aid for the rest of this school year, he said he is not returning for the next year.
We've been talking a lot about what we need to do to prepare for Wilmington. I told him I needed to know what was going on before March 1, because then I would need to submit my application to UNCW, in hopes that they accept my transfer. I would then need to try to transfer to a Wilmington Starbucks and start searching for a house to rent. Jordan would hopefully by then apply to the police force, perhaps hearing back from them in about six months. But we have to wait a couple of months to see what happens before making any hasty decisions!!
I hope it all works out for the best, God willing, of course!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

If I don't get to the beach soon I'm gonna die...

I am a coastal person. I grew up in tidewater VA near many rivers and estuaries. There were awesome seafood places, and even though the beach was far away, at least we had the Chesapeake Bay to give us a hint that we were close to the shore. Seagulls mulling around in parking lots were an everyday sight. Here in Piedmont NC, I don't even see gulls. I have to decorate my house beach-y or nautically theme just to find some relaxation. I go to Red Lobster when I want to feel like I'm sitting at an overpriced seafood joint on vacation. It sucks. I have to be near the coast. I have to!
In other news, I'm still enjoying myself in school. It's fun, mostly, except when I have to study. I'm not behind in any class, and I'm making good grades. I kind of slacked off this past week in Bio Psy by not reading all of the chapter and consequentially bombing the quiz (I think) unless I just got lucky and picked all the right answers at random. That would be amazing. I'm not too worried about it. I have a Hinduism test tomorrow; boy that's gonna be a blast!
Anyway, so I'm pretty sure, like 99.9% sure I'm transferring to another SBUX. I sent the request in on Monday, and haven't heard anything yet, but the other manager pretty much said she could take me on her crew. So hopefully there will be NO MORE MALL for me! Woot! But we will have to see what happens with it in the next week. If they deny me I will cry! And scream!
I guess that's all right now. I'm not in the best mood right now. I'll write more when I am in a good mood.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

It's Getting Easier

Every time I ride my bike to school it gets easier. It takes me less and less time, and I don't get so winded when I am going up big hills. Today it took me 15 minutes, which is not bad. The things that suck about riding it (and what I really dread) is 1. Fear of running over people walking at UNCG - They just won't get out of the way, not for anything. It's really annoying when you are trying to ride and you have to keep riding around the people because they will just keep coming at you. I have told some people to get out of the way already, and even held my tongue a couple of times when I was about to yell out "You morons!" They don't just walk in straight lines, they walk every which damn way - diagonally, horizontally, backwards, frontwards, goofy footed, you name it.
2. I hate hills. Period.
3. I hate being sweaty and worn out. Fortunately, today it was cold outside so I didn't sweat but this afternoon might be worse.
I assume as I go along it will become much easier on me than it is now, and that I will probably prefer it to be my method of transportation, since I'm trying to lose weight.
I know that I have lost inches off of my waist, because I was able to squeeze my butt into some flared jeans I hadn't been able to wear in a loooong time!
Finally, Bo, my boxer dog, is coming to live with us soon, when I can pay the security deposit to have him! I'm really excited about it. He stayed with us for four days this week and he seemed happy (other than he didn't eat that much) but I think after he stays a while he will get used to it. Well anyway, I believe that's it for now!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Oh la la

Well school has started and it's been about as hectic as I had imagined. Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays I have only two classes, with a break in between, during which I go to my awesome work-study job (which is where I am at this exact moment - on the internet!), and on tuesdays and thursdays I have my work-study job first thing, then three classes! It's hard to get to Starbucks after school, especially since I am either biking, walking, or waiting for the HEAT bus to pick me up. I think the fastest way to get home right now is to ride the bike, but I get so tired and it's been seriously hot outside, so I am going to wait until it gets cooler before I make the bike my primary transportation. The thing is, I really don't want to make my availability at Starbucks any later than it is now. If so, I may lose hours per week. I'm sure everyone is going through this too: I think Ryan said his Starbucks in Chicago closed at like 8pm, so that makes it harder to get hours. Sometimes, I wish we closed later, but then again, I don't want to be up so late. Getting enough sleep is scarce now.
My instructors are pretty good, and all they assign is reading (which, by the way, I am NOT so good at, because it bores me to death and they usually assign like 50 pages to read!)
On a happier note, I got a haircut! It's just above my shoulders and it is super cute! I will take a picture and put it up on facebook soon. It's probably one of the cuter haircuts I've had.

Okay, I'm going to put up something now that I will do with every post. It's sort of a way to document the phases I go through, like music, movies, fashion style, etc. Just random things that I like at the time, (or continue to like) or discovered that I like. I don't know what to call this section of my blog, but perhaps I should call it: Theresa's Findings and Phases. I will seek out a better title soon, if I can think of one. Perhaps someone can give me a few ideas?

Theresa's Findings and Phases


Music: Yo La Tengo
Songs to Download from this amazing group right now are:
The Summer - quirky guitar part
Autumn Sweater - awesome drum beat
They sort of remind me of some kind of European trance/discotecque group, with indie pop thrown in the mix. They are just amazing, and really chill, with cool technology induced sounds and beats.

GO SEE GO SEE GO SEE!: Inglourious Basterds, Quentin Tarantino film, starring Brad Pitt, Melanie Laurent, Diane Kruger, Eli Roth. Amazing and hilarious movie. The acting was superb, the writing - magnifique! It's a movie I want to see again (and again and again and again).
Television: True Blood This series gets the blood pumping if you know what I mean. Where will you find me Sunday evening? At home, watching what Bill, Sookie, Eric, Tara and Sam will do next!


High waisted skirt dress (I think that's what it's called)

They are so cute. I just want one!

That's it for now, unless I think of something else. Thanks for reading!