Friday, September 24, 2010


So I've spent the last half hour reading a few peoples' blogs, including Jeremy's and Emily's blogs about China, and I'm getting a real itch to go off and discover somewhere completely new and crazy. I guess most people call this the travel bug. Ever since I went to the Philippines I've been sort of having a post-adventure depression that reoccurs every so often. Right now I'm going through a baaaaaad case of it, particularly since I haven't been anywhere out of town for several months. I feel kind of lame. I actually got a new job and it's been particularly stressful because I've had to memorize so much (it's a serving job, so I have to know the menu). And I dropped one of my classes so that's bummed me out a little. It's just going to push me back, and it'll take longer to get finished and get to my ultimate goal of joining the Peace Corps and getting the hell out of here for a while.
I think I need to take a vacation at some point. But I don't really have money. Also I really want to try to buy a temper pedic bed because I barely sleep well at night so that'll definitely cost me a good chunk of change. I haven't been in contact with the fam really, which bothers me but I just never get around to it. I only ever really talk to my mom. I miss my husky that I gave away a few months ago. I feel like I'm in limbo with the love life. I've hurt a lot of people along the way. I just feel crowded. I feel like I need to escape and go off somewhere on a hiatus, incognito, for a few years. I know that wouldn't solve any problems here at home, but at least removing myself from the picture will patch things over for a bit. But damn it, I have to finish school first!! ughhh.
So this post is pretty down in the dumps sounding. I'm sorry. Maybe it's my time of the month soon or something. I usually get a little depressed around this time. Maybe I just need to jump in the car and go shopping. I dunno. Hopefully will have happier news soon!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'm fallin...

I am glad to say I freed myself today from all regrets and bad memories. I am now going to live my life a happier person because I deserve it. I need to learn that I may not know what is in store for my life down the road but I am going to trust in myself and power higher than me to lead me in the right direction. I'm not going to worry anymore because it helps no one to have a troubled mind. I wrote everything down that had been bothering me, stuff that's been with me pretty much my whole life, and more recent bullshit that's been tugging at my very soul. Then I tore it up and threw it far away. Now, I don't acknowledge these bad aspects of my life. That part of my life is over, and the new part is about to begin. This new life is the life in which I get a job I love, I finish school with flying colors, I enter the peace corps or go teach overseas or do something incredibly awesome with the young years I have left. This may be the life in which I meet and fall in love with someone incredibly special, or maybe not yet, maybe that's years ahead in the future, but I cannot dwell on that aspect. I just have to stay positive and know that everything is going to work out. Everything happens for a reason and I just got to keep my head up and a smile on and warm open arms for people around me. I can't be depressed and sad and lethargic all the time, that's not the way to be. And I can't be a whiner either. I have to make stuff happen for me, and if other things make me sad or down and out, I have to banish them and take them with a grain of salt. Because there is nothing in this world, either person or thing, that is worth tormenting myself over and over again with no release. There is no reason to ever let oneself get to this point. I let it and it almost destroyed me. No more.

Monday, August 9, 2010

My Life Thus Far (A Long Expected Update)

Well I don't write here much cause only like five of you actually read this, but I felt for my own personal piece of mind I'd write down what's been going on and hopefully while doing so, sort out my thoughts a little. Well everyone who knows me knows I have moved back to Greensboro. It's a fucking long story that I don't even feel like going into right now, or ever again, but honestly from the experience I learned a few lessons. #1 Don't move unless you are absolutely sure you'll have a good place of employment secured. #2 Also when you move don't get into any contract that will commit you to the new place for more than 6 months. Let me explain this last one. I of course, like a moron, signed a lease for an apartment for 15 months with a complete stranger. Sadly enough, this person turned out to be extremely weird and my total opposite and (as I found out while in the process of moving out) completely insane. That leads me to #3 Don't move in with ANYONE you've met through Craiglist unless you guys are super alike and/or get along well or have known each other for a few months before actually moving in together. #4 Don't be ashamed to call it took a lot of guts for me to pull the reins in early and declare that I couldn't stand it. People in my life sort of scrutinized my actions but because it was my decision, I didn't let it get to me.
So yeah, I'm back in Greensboro now, still working at the mall, getting ready for school to start and trying to have some chill time here and there. I'm really motivated now to finish school because I have decided I wanted to try to do the Peace Corps after college, but I'm trying to keep it on the DL for now because I don't want to make a big deal about it and end up not getting to do it. But I'd definitely like to apply. I just need to time it right. Katie told me not to wait to apply when I actually finish school, so I need to apply before my last semester of college, and at this point I don't know when that will be.
In other news, I may be going to Europe next summer...shhhhhh....I might jinx it so we can't talk about it anymore.
Other than that, not a hell of a lot going on, I mean there's shit going on but nothing worth writing about.

Monday, June 14, 2010

All registered up for class!

Just finished registering for a few online classes at UNCG. I'm excited now because I can just sit back and relax for the rest of the summer, not having to worry about getting school bullshit situated. As far as the work front goes, I'm not concerned about hours. I think since I won't be physically attending school everyday during the semester I can ask to be bumped up to full time barista or at least get more hours a week. Probably about 3/4 of our staff at work will be enrolled in school so their availabilities will not be as open as mine. So for the next couple of months, as long as my mom can help me with rent, I should be good to go, and it won't hurt to visit home a few more times before august. I have to go up to UNCG anyway and buy books for my online classes. I'm very excited to start and I'm glad I get to go back in January to hopefully get on the fast track to graduation - one step closer to pursuing my music recording degree!!
I hung out with Ashley yesterday at the beach, also a Greensboro transplant here. She moved here in January and already is moving back in July. We've talked about all this and she agrees that I gotta do what is best for me. If going home to finish school is what's best then I have to go for it. We also talked about how Wilmington was not at all what we expected it to be. Well, I'm not really sure what I expected it to be, but I expected it to be awesome I'll tell you that! But in reality, it's not much more awesome than Greensboro. I think the only way it could be better is if I lived on the oceanfront, or at least a few blocks from the beach. Living where I live now, I might as well be in Greensboro, it all looks the same.
I guess I'm having a good time here. The people are cool. It just takes time to get settled in and situated. But I'm going to try to just chillax from now on. No sense in worrying about anything!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Changing my mind again, but it's all good!!!

So I'm here in Wilmington, and I've been here for about a month already. I like it alright, but I don't think I'm going to stay. I guess whoever reads this will be the first to know although I've told a very small handful of people who understand my situation. I won't be attending UNCW in the fall, that's the first thing I should say. First the financial aid they are offering is in the form of loans that I cannot afford, and only two small grants that aren't even enough to cover book costs. I thought for sure they would give me the same amount as UNCG but it's just not the case. However, UNCG offered me over 9,000 in grants this upcoming school year, so I am going to try to take some online classes to remain an active student until I am able to move back in january for the spring semester. Second, it will be easier for me to just go ahead and finish at UNCG, since all my files are there and I already know the school layout, and I won't have to attend orientation. (That's another thing about UNCW that pissed me off, they were going to charge me $75 for orientation, and for what? I've been in college three years, I think I know how it's done!) Thirdly, I really want to start the Recording Engineering degree at GTCC as sooooon as possible so I obviously would have to move back anyway. CFCC and UNCW both do not have any recording engineering or other music programs like that. However, here's the catch: I am staying in Wilmington for the next 7 months at least. Who knows? I might end up loving it here. I might find my niche and want to stay forever!! Or I may go back to uncg and finish and then move back here when I'm done. I don't know the future but I want to give this place a chance to impress me. I haven't been here long enough to say whether or not I like it. I like it as far as the beach and scenery and people are concerned, but I need to get out in the community more to see if anything spectacular is going on...something in which I can participate and make happen. I probably need to get a second job and see what that's like, and go out more and experience more...and just chill. I think it's good that I'm not going to be attending school here right now. I'm feeling it out, and maybe if I do end up staying for good I can look into going to the college. It's like a trial run. I'm scouting out the new territory. I think it's so much better to do it this way then to wait until I'm married with kids and am forced to move somewhere for a job. With no attachments, it's easy to feel a place out and see whether or not it suits me.
In about five to six months I'm going to give myself a review of this place and how I feel about it. I'm drafting up a survey that I will take both now and in five months to see where I'm at. If at five months I still want to go back and finish (and the online classes work out okay) then I'll make preparations to find a roommate replacement for me here and move back in with Jean in early January. I will live with Jean until I can find THE perfect house in Greensboro with the perfect roomie. I want to have a garden and a yard for Lola to run around in. I want to take my take searching. I'm not settling for this apartment bullshit anymore; I've been very unhappy with the apartment people here thus far. But that's another story...
It really is no big deal if I happen to move back. The biggest task would be finding someone here to replace me but I don't think that will be hard to do. There are people coming in and out of Wilmington all the time and maybe my roommate here knows someone who might be able to move in with her by that point. She's knows a good amount of people. Or she might want to terminate the lease with me and find something else. I don't think she's been very happy with this apartment either. She knows a little bit about what's going on but I don't want to tell her I'm moving back until I am absolutely sure I am. I think she probably figures I will eventually though, definitely before the end of our lease.
Maybe Wilmington is where I am meant to be and maybe it isn't. Maybe I'm meant to be somewhere as far away as Seattle or maybe I'm meant to be in Asheville...who the hells knows at this point? I wish I hadn't moved but at the same time I'm glad I did. I am learning more about myself than I've ever known. And everyday unfolds a new lesson. And if anything, I just need some time out of college to think for a hot minute; I'm so burnt out by the past three years of college. I'm supposed to be done this next year, you know!!! But that's definitely not happening this coming spring!! But it's ok, the way the economy is going I'm trying to drag it out as long as I can and also after I am done with college I'm going to travel a bit, maybe hit up San Fran, Seattle, Santa Fe (again), Atlanta, Austin or *maybe* Asheville! :) Then I want to jump right into Recording Engineering. I'm so full of life and excitement right now that I'm having a good time despite my predicament. I know that whatever happens is going to be for the best, things have a way of putting themselves together!
So for right now I'm just going to sit back and chill and just try to have fun here in Wilmington for the remainder of 2010. If I catch myself worrying then I will kick my own ass. There is no sense in worrying over circumstances that cannot be helped. The worse thing I could do is do nothing. And I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and/or wants me to do...because it's MY life! So I'm going do exactly what I want when I want!! Thank God I have this unlimited freedom. The possibilities are endless. Lots of doors are getting ready to open, I can feel it. I'm excited, a little apprehensive but ready to do this! I'm just glad I have plenty of time! I'll write back to give updates. I feel better now than I have in months!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sometimes you can make it on your own...

Well I'm still going to Wilmington but this time...I'm going alone. Well..alone as in, no other human companions, but my husky is going with me.
And really, I'm not scared of going alone. I know I'm going to have to work extra hard to make ends meet, but I need to prove to myself that I can make it on my own. I don't want to be relying on someone else all the time.
Jordan needs to live on his own too. We've been together since high school, and this is our first apartment together. But I think we both need some time to go out on our own and explore the world by ourselves, without each other to fall back on. We need our own sets of friends, we need our own goals, we need our own lives separate of each other. This is to prove that we are TRULY adults and can do it absolutely alone if need be. Because we might not end up together in the end.
Honestly, I'm really excited. It will be weird the first few weeks without knowing a SOUL but eventually I will meet people through work, school and daily interactions. I kind of like this because I won't know anyone and they won't know me. It's like I'm starting out fresh.
So anyway, I have two months left until I go. It will be hard to leave my family but I know in the end everything will turn out ok. I may love it, I may hate it. But I'll never know until I try.

Monday, February 8, 2010

So close, but so far away...

Well, it's February and we're chugging on towards the final date of our move to Wilmington. I'm really excited, but at the same time very apprehensive. I can't tell you how irritating it is to not have "definites" about this I mean, there is no definite that we will get our current apartment rented out in time, or that we will have a place to move to, or jobs to go to. However, we do have some promising prospects that have come up over the last couple of weeks. The first being that we have two people coming to look at our place on friday. They are going to be graduating from Elon and I'm assuming they have jobs in Greensboro, so they want to move. They can't move until after May 21st, which is good because we probably won't be leaving until June 1st. So, if they like the place and want to take it, we'll have one thing on our list out of the way. Also, Jordan and I are trying to transfer to Starbucks in Wilmington. One of the managers down there is best friends with Jordan's current manager. He called her today, and she seemed excited to hear from him. She said she had someone leaving at around the time we'd be coming down there, so he would have a spot. It's not completely definite (Jordan still has to file a transfer and get approved through their DM) but it's a good start, and at least she has him in mind so she won't take anyone else before him. For me, it hasn't been so lucky. I called the manager of one of the other starbuckes, and she hardly gave me the time to say who I was before she told me I had to file a transfer through their DM, and that "Nothing is done over phone anymore." Well, I could tell she really didn't want to be bothered by me. I know the process of transferring, I just wanted to know if she'd have space for me. There's no point in going through all that trouble filing transfer forms through my DM if there's not going to be any room for me. I'm kind of frustrated about it. But I figured as long as one of us gets transferred (in this case, I'm really hoping Jordan does) then I don't care. I will find another job if need be. Jordan hasn't had as many jobs as me, and he's been with Starbucks for going on three years. I just want him to stick with it. At any rate, there's plenty of places to work down there, especially since we'll be moving at the beginning of summer. I could easily see myself working at a hotel or restaurant and making just as much money, or possibly even more, than I would if I stayed with Starbucks.
Also, Jordan and I have been checking out a few apartment places down there, and there are some good deals. The only problem I'd have is not having a yard for Lola...but we're going to have to deal with what we can get. She's good at being indoors anyway, I guess since she's been raised that way. Still, I feel really sorry for her that she can't get out as much, especially during the winter. I honestly don't ever feel like going outside during the winter unless I have to.
I just honestly can't wait to move. I'm soooo tired of living in Greensboro. This place doesn't interest me anymore. I just want to go somewhere brand new where no one knows me and I don't know them. I think it's gonna be a good experience for me and Jordan, and I really believe it is going to be our home and we are going to raise kids there and live there the rest of our lives. At least, I refuse to live in Greensboro for the rest of my life. Maybe we won't stay in Wilmington forever, but we certainly are going to avoid coming back here to live.
Anyway, I guess I'm just going to lie low for a while and stop worrying about all of this. I'd say the time I should start worrying is around April, when we are getting down towards the wire. Right now, in February, it's too early to start looking for a place to live or worrying about jobs. Right now, I just need to focus on school. All else will fall in place in time. I hope...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

It's Always Something...

Well, folks, I will spare you an introduction in which I whine and complain about how boring and horrible my life is and just say what I came here to say: We're moving to Wilmington! I'm really excited about it. Jordan is really worried about it. But of course, it can't be that simple, right? Apparently, I am considered an out-of-state student for some weird reason, even though I am obviously a North Carolina resident, and at UNCG I am an in-state student. So of course, that bothered me big time and kind of cut into my celebration. So I had to email someone down there, and tell them it's a mistake, and hope to God they don't make a big scene out of it. Because I'M GOING, DAMMIT!
The worse that will happen, probably, is that they will make me re-fill out the residency form. Maybe something got fouled up on the computer, where I originally submitted my information, or maybe it didn't go through at all...very possible. Basically they said I have til the term starts to file for residency. Okay, sounds reasonable enough - obviously there is no other explanation why I would be denied in-state status, especially if another UNC state school claims me as an in-state student. Anyway...
So now we are in the brainstorming and plotting stage of our move. We decided to shoot for the first of June. We're going to have to start searching for a place probably as early as April. But it doesn't mean we can't start sooner than that, especially if we can find a good deal somewhere and just put a deposit down or something. Basically, this is what we need:
*2br & 1 or 2 bth
*Central heating/ac (electric only, no gas)
*washer/dryer and/or hookups
*Fenced-in backyard (for Lola)
*Hardwood floors/tile (no carpet)
*close to UNCW
*between $600-$700 monthly

We realize that we might not find a place to suit all our wants and needs, and that we will have to compromise on a lot of things (especially the price). Jordan and I both want to try to transfer to different Starbuckes, however, if that doesn't work out, I already vowed that I would get a new job.
As far as our lease here is concerned, Jordan's friend and his sister apparently want to take it over, although I don't necessarily trust that they are going to go through with it. If they don't, we will have to find someone who will take our lease over. That requires the help of Craigslist, and its pretty much a headache because you have to find someone you trust. Otherwise, we are stuck here until July 31st! So I told Jordan that he needs to tell them that we need to know (in writing) that they are definitely going to take our lease over, and we need to know this by at least the end of February.
Then comes the hassle of finding a new place to live. Then comes the move itself, and we are going to see if we need a uhaul. Jordan and I are planning on buying a new bed and a new couch and end tables. So if we buy these things before we move, we will more than likely need a uhaul, but maybe not a big one, just a smaller one that's cheaper to rent. My family has already agreed that they will help, and maybe we can enlist the help of some of our friends. Jordan and I really don't have too much stuff so hopefully, there won't be too much of an issue.
As far as I am concerned, I still need to apply for financial aid soon. I also need to focus on school this next semester (I haven't even gotten books!) I just can't wait for it to be warm! It's like 20 degrees today. That's way too cold! Well, anyway, I just pray to God that everything works out and falls into place like perfect puzzle pieces, even if the game of putting the puzzle together is hard and at times impossible along the way! Then, once it is finished, I can focus on the good going to the beach everyday!